“The end of an era”
“I didn’t even know what color your car really was!”
“How did you do it?”
These are all things people messaged me after seeing that my car had been stripped of all 300+ bumper stickers.
Along with all of the other messages of “why?!?” And the just general sad face emojis.
But, after 6 years Laverne (my car) has taken a turn for the worse. For the past 3 years my air conditioning has gone out every summer and then I bring it in and they find 10 other far more expensive problems that would keep her off the road without fixing. So, when I felt the hot air on my hand when I cranked the A/C I knew it was time.
I always wanted to cover a car in stickers I thought it was so cool and really made a statement.
It really has been a part of my identity. So, as my friends helped me steam and then violently scrape each sticker into pieces on the ground I couldn’t help but feel sad. Further saddened by my dads excitement because of the resale value going drastically up not taking into account what this means for me. Sad because I don’t know who the fuck I am without that fucking car.
It’s true. At 23 almost 24 years old I’m having an identity crisis. It may be because I’m depressed and we have been a pandemic for over a year now. It could be because using my job as my identity would mean that my identity has me burnt out so intensely that I cry driving to and from work because I’m so exhausted. It could be because I haven’t sang in years except in my car or in the shower because the nodes/surgery to remove them has done damage to my vocal cords and they don’t sound the same. Or because the election is over, trump is gone and I know that the fight isn’t over but, I’m burnt out from that too. My favorite podcast has episodes in their stream I haven’t listened to. I’m not caught up on my favorite shows. I’m too depressed to get out of bed most of the time. Depression cannot be my identity but, it’s the most persistent thing in my life right now.
I’m sure every person in their early 20s feels this way at some point. Growing and changing is the pivotal part of this time period in a young persons life. But, with all of the questioning I’ve done in my life there haven’t been many questions of who I am, not this severe anyway. Or maybe I’m just realizing that I’ve been hiding behind a car with stickers instead of finding myself. Don’t know which is scarier.
The identity piece aside, this car has been through so much with me. Sheltering me when no one else could. I’ve had so many important phone calls from that car sitting in the stained gray fabric seats. Times of heartbreak and times of joy. Singing with the windows down, crying with the windows up and the seat back so no one could see me. Felt safe in my little Subaru. I’ll miss it undoubtedly and the idea of getting a new car is so stressful and exhausting although it should be exciting.
My mom and I drove around the car lots near our house and nothing seemed to catch my eye really, I’m not sure what I was looking for. What I know now and what I didn’t know when looking for my first car, is that the car will do so much more than just bring me to and from work. It’ll be my place of respite some days, a place I can blare the music to drown out my own thoughts or at least attempt to. And that’s what makes a Subaru- nah I’m kidding.
So, here’s to Laverne. My lovely little compact SUV that has kept me safe physically and emotionally. The car that had strangers leaving kind notes on my windshield and thumbs up from passerby’s. Insane amounts of love for this vehicle. Hope your next owner treats you well.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
