I have come way too far for people to continue to tell me how I feel. It’s disrespectful to me and all of the hard work that I have done over the years. All of the therapy, the tears, the medication. So much time spent trying to fit into a world not built for people with mental illness. So much time spent trying to say the right thing to a friend or coworker. With all of the work I have put in to make myself tolerable to the outside world (and sometimes seemingly still failing) it makes me livid for anyone to try to explain to me about me (unless it’s my therapist)
This is all based around something that happened at work. I had an off day and wasn’t myself. I’ve been under so much pressure lately from all angles and have tried my best to leave it at the door when I come to work because it is not tolerated to have a bad day. But, it seems I have not been successful in hiding my emotions. My coworker said to me that “It seems you’re stressed out all the time,” and that “I get in my own way.” These are both generally reasonable statements with my life at the current moment and my diagnosis of OCD but, it’s what she said next that hurt more. She said it seems that my specialty of Heme/Onc stresses me out. I may be reading into this but, it almost felt as if she was implying that this job wasn’t for me.
There is nothing more hurtful after the gaslighting I experienced during my orientation than for someone to sit down next to me after all of the hard work I’d put in and tell me that maybe I can’t cut it. With no evidence except the classic “you seem stressed out.”
Very important word in there is “seem” you don’t know I’m stressed out and even if you did you don’t know what about unless you ask. But, this was no question/answer. She was telling me and I was to accept.
I didn’t though. I explained that to be honest I prefer Heme/Onc patients to other general care kids. It’s where my passions and interests are. I asked for explanations and was given situations from that day (which I admit was an off day but, no one was hurt or injured or anything even close) and when I asked for other than just today she backed down and said that we can just call today a one off.
She was making a judgement about my ability to do a job I happen to really like based on 8 hours of work.
I don’t blame my coworker she backed down when I explained myself and I just hope that I got across to her how much I do love this job and how hard I’ve been working. But, even if I did get it across to her…would it matter? Because it seems that they would make their own explanations for me anyway.
What I have learned from this incident is that work is still not safe for me. I can’t just be myself yet. My guard must remain up. I thought with the preceptor that made my life a living hell gone it would be better but, it seems that I still have to prove myself in the most minimal way. After almost a year and a half I still have to prove that I deserved the job in the first place, that I can hack it.
I will not grovel at any feet. I will not act as if I haven’t earned my role as a member of the team but, I will be humble because I know I have a lot to learn. I am not immune to mistakes.
Most importantly though: I will not let anyone explain how I’m feeling to me. That’s where I draw the line.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
