CW: Self harm
Five years. A lot can happen in 5 years, a lot did. And most of it happened in the apartment I just officially moved out of. I got accepted and graduated from nursing school while living in that apartment. I started my first nursing job while living there. I braved quarantine alone in that apartment. I created so many bonds, I cried over lost friendships. I cried over boys, I started this blog, I came out as bi. I got drunk for the first time in that apartment. The most major of life events obviously. And the primary constant was my Apartment number 4.
Living alone for the first time (except for my short stint in the dorms) was definitely a process. My apartment would get so messy depending on my mental state and it was a cycle. I haven’t mastered keeping my space super organized but, I’m certainly better about clutter. I got rid of so much stuff in my move. I would have never been able to that even a year ago. The progress I made with my hoarding tendencies are off the charts. But, I will say that seeing how much I hoarded brought back the feelings that caused me to hoard in the first place. I was transported back to times of pure anxiety and obsession. I worked through it though. And although it was exhausting I feel like I really achieved something.
I’m going to miss a lot of the characters that I encountered at that apartment complex. People I never spoke to but, whose stories I had created in my head. I will mostly miss Machine-gun Shady (a mix between Machine gun Kelly and Eminem aka slim shady obviously). He is the most reoccurring character. We seemed to be always coming/going at the same time. By the end we would wave. I will miss him and his saggy pants that he wore with a belt. The belt was doing no work. The best I have at my new place is this older gentleman that stands on his fire escape and smokes cigarettes and has a very loud air conditioner. Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as Machine-gun Shady but, we will work on it. I think I’ll miss MGS the most.
I do associate that apartment with a lot of tough times. Captains relationship with Annie, losing my friendship with Heather and several other friends, and at least 100 emergency phone calls to Jazz. Another huge life event, if you want to call it that, I self-harmed for the first time in that apartment. Heavy stuff.
I did grow through this pain though. And it truly does feel like I’ve started a new chapter. Change is something I really struggle with but, moving into my new place was a change I haven’t questioned since I moved in. That’s huge.
It was a gradual transition to saying goodbye to apartment 4. I had half the month of August and all of September to go through stuff and move. I dreaded going back to apartment 4, it was the last thing I wanted to do in my limited time off. My Mom was a huge help and I quite literally could not have done it without her. So, on the last day when we were going through the final items left and cleaning to get hopefully some of our security deposit back, I saw it as a job that had to be completed not a symbolic end to what I would consider my early twenties/college years. It wasn’t until we packed the final box and my Mom asked me if I wanted to go in and say goodbye that it hit me, I’m never going to live here ever again. And as I walked back to the apartment and opened the door, hearing the squeak of the hinges that were so familiar, but looking into a place that no longer was, I realized that I was ready to leave, I was ready to grow up.
I looked around one last time. Then I shut the apartment door with the accompanied squeak of the hinges and walked to my car and drove into a new life. Ha, just kidding it wasn’t that dramatic at all.
I felt relieved. I returned my keys the next day and it was super anticlimactic. I said bye to my first apartment and it felt really good.
Don’t worry though, my front door at my new place squeaks too, arguably louder.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
