Who would have thought that listening to a 17 year olds album about her heartbreak would lead me to a place of self-acceptance and discovery. But, maybe I needed to go back to the time when I lost myself, 17 years old, to find myself again.
At 23, almost 24, I was arrogant enough to think I had done so much work on myself that there were a lot of things I still needed to change and improve on, but not much more to uncover. We uncovered family dysfunction, self-hatred, an imposter complex that seems to be a major theme throughout my life and more. But, I thought I saw all of me, knew the pieces.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Let’s take a few steps back. The album release I speak of is Olivia Rodrigos debut album ‘SOUR’ that details her treacherous break up with co-star Joshua Bassett. Oh yes I do know all the tea, I work in pediatrics gotta keep up. Now, realistically the music itself, although powerful, did not directly lead to my new found self awareness but, with the release of each single and then finally the album it created a timeline of the growth I’ve made and I will forever associate the album with it.
With my coming out story.
When drivers license came out in January of this year I was on Tik tok all the time. How else do we spend our time during the second major wave of the pandemic. I was half vaccinated and I was bored out of my mind. I followed a variety of people but, it seemed as soon as I opened the app it identified me as a great candidate for the gay side of tik tok. I didn’t think too much of it. I love Drag Queens, I love theater, it made sense!
By the time Olivia’s second single “Deja Vu” came out on April 1st I was deep into lesbian TikTok. I had discovered Sedona Prince and the NCAA woman’s basketball March madness. My excuse for being so invested: supporting women in sports duh? I had my first girl crush. The 6’7” basketball star that seemed to make many girls go into self proclaimed “bi panic.” The comments on these videos were filled with that.
But, it was around this time I did start asking myself the questions that I avoided all my life.
Growing up my mother was very supportive of LGBTQ+ community and it was definitely not something I grew up sheltered from. If anything my mom embraced it. And during my pre-teen to teenage years she may have embraced it too much.
I didn’t really talk about boys or have any dates during that time and my tomboy demeanor definitely stuck out from my friends. My mother, being the observant woman she is, wanted me to know that I was supported no matter what. This is when the phrase “it’d be ok if you were” came into play. Throughout my life my mother has said those 6 words to reference that if I was into girls it was cool with her. But, instead it gave my a complex that made me believe that the reason boys weren’t interested in me was because I looked like a Lesbian. I mean my own mother thought this it couldn’t be that far off right? I became anxious about this. I want to say that I don’t think I was afraid of being gay but, I don’t think that’s true. For years I would attend pride in a shirt with some saying on it that displayed my straightness. Either “Straight but, not narrow” or simply “Ally” just making sure that people know I’m here but, I’m not queer. I changed the way I dressed. Once upon a time I couldn’t be caught dead in jeans, then all of a sudden they were all I wore. I switched from tshirts to sweaters and infinity scarves and got those knee high tall boots. A classic “Christian girl Autumn” look just missing the Christianity and the Pumpkin Spice Latte. I tried everything to not look like the tie dye tshirt and gym short wearing tomboy I grew up as. And once I found out Birkenstock’s were a lesbian thing I barely wore them.
“It’d be ok if you were” became a joke between me and my cousin that allowed for many laughs about what I thought at the time was just a silly idiosyncrasy. But, two days after Deja Vu came out, in the middle of the night that idiosyncrasy turned into an obsession that fell into the OCD mind cycle. I texted my cousin a picture of a T-shirt I thought she’d like to see if she was awake. I couldn’t straight up just ask for what I needed I guess. As she would say later, I buried the lead. The shirt was of a white Ford bronco, my cousin and I had the discussion quite often if sales went up after OJ Simpson famously took the car on a high speed police chase. I then asked if it would be ok if I called her. She said yes. I started with “you know how we always joke about my mom saying ‘it’d be ok if you were’,” I took a breathe “well I think I am?” I burst out in nervous laughter and she couldn’t help but laugh too but, then she said some of the most supportive things a person could say. It was a special memory that I will forever cherish. We talked about my OCD thoughts that were spiraling around my head a light speed. One being that I’m making it up for attention or that if I come out as bisexual less men will be attracted to me and I really don’t have the dating pool to subtract that many people especially if I’m wrong and I’m straight. My cousin made the greatest point which was it the guy wasn’t interested in me after I come out as bi then I really don’t want him anyway. She’s so right. My OCD was spewing internalized homophobic thoughts about myself that are against all my core values, I just had to let those thoughts pass and focus on being myself. The phone call with my cousin is what I would say my first “coming out” experience was, I truly cannot thank her enough for not only making it positive but, being patient with me and my thoughts. And of course to commemorate the occasion of me admitting I might be, we got the T-shirts.
It was a while until Olivia’s next single “Good 4 u” came out and in between the two songs release I began becoming more comfortable with these feelings I was having. I saw my tik tok crush get a girlfriend which hit me pretty hard. And I began discussing the possibility of me not being straight with some friends. Never confirming though only speculation and always saying “I still like the masculine energy though” like that made me less bisexual. Everyone was very supportive and understanding that this is a maybe and nothing is confirmed but, here’s what I’m feeling and I need to get it out.
The week leading up to The “good 4 u” release was my first week of vacation from my job ever. I spent a lot of time by myself thinking about me and how I don’t need to know anything for certain because there’s no way to know anything for certain. I had to attempt to not focus on the internalized homophobia going on in my head. And the constant questioning my OCD was doing because it hates uncertainty.
I went to the Land with my Mom for a few days at the end of the week. It was much needed to have that time with her and to be at the Land a place I didn’t appreciate enough when I was younger but now, is one of the places I feel I can be most myself. My Sister and niece came down to visit and my mom and I were watching my niece while my sister was on a call when all of a sudden I got this urge to tell my mom. Out of the blue it felt right.
So, while my niece was putting together her potato head, I looked at my mom and told her “I think I’m bisexual.” The response she gave was predictable but, still supportive and kind. I mean this is the same woman who scarred me by saying “it’d be ok if you were,” so her saying “I kinda had a feeling” is no shock. Mom we know you had a feeling you made it very obvious. I couldn’t help but chuckle. She handled it so well, gave me a hug. I’m very lucky because I know for others this doesn’t happen. Having a hippie mom does have perks.
I drove home from the land feeling relieved. I think there was a tension between me and my mom that I didn’t even recognize. This drive home was the day after the release of “Good 4 U” and I blasted it the whole way home. That song is truly outstanding.
I was back to work days later and although I had almost confirmed it within myself it still felt like this secret I was fighting.
My mind was constantly invalidating itself. The thoughts in my head mostly saying again that it wasn’t really bi and that I was making it up for attention. It was non stop. An unsurprising part of this was my OCD’s component. Made me question me questioning my sexuality. And then I adjusted my mindset. I used the tools I was taught to let those thoughts come and go. What if it was fake, I’ll find out! What’s the harm? Letting those thoughts come and go. I don’t have to be set either way. I’m not sure still and that’s ok!
The album was released at midnight on May 21st. My coworker Cam and I bonded over our love for Olivia Rodrigo and decided we would try to listen to it while we were on night shift that night. But, unfortunately our shift got too hectic so we made plans to get DQ and listen to the album in the parking lot later that day.
I picked Cam up and we set off on our journey. After going through the very familiar drive thru we found a good parking spot and settled in. We would talk during the songs that had already come out and discuss our thoughts. I cried. I don’t know about Cam but she did make a joke that she did. We listened to it start to finish. And I don’t know what it was, going through each of the songs and thinking about how it related to this journey, the rush of emotions that the lyrics invoke, or the fact that the last song simply mentioned a gay girl and I was going on like 3 hours of sleep but, whatever it was in that moment I thought to myself…I’m bisexual…confirmed.
I dropped Cam off after our listening party of SOUR both vowing to probably listen to it 200 more times. After I drove away I took a deep breath. It felt as if I hadn’t done that in a long time.
After that night it really just turned into a positive thing. Telling people was scary but, freeing. Telling people at work on night shift (where secrets are told) felt at lot less consequential than telling my regular life friends. My coworkers shared the same sentiment about opening up there because your coworkers aren’t tied to your outside life. It felt like practice for telling the rest of my world. I was very lucky to receive such positive response, I’m privileged in that way and I know it. Coming out can be dangerous for some people. It’s something I’ll never take for granted.
I haven’t told everyone yet and that’s okay. I don’t feel either way about it. At this point unless it’s pertinent to a conversation or provides context in some way I don’t feel it’s super necessary. But, it’s not because I’m ashamed or uncomfortable. I’ve downloaded the dreaded dating apps again and I feel like I’m the most serious I’ve ever been about dating. Maybe it’s because I’m being truer to myself. Or maybe girls are just less likely to send you a perverted message as soon as you match. Who knows.
So, yeah I’m bisexual it’s true. I’m excited to continue to learn about this part of me. I’ll never again be so naive as I was before thinking there was no new parts of myself to discover. I look forward to learning more.
Now go stream SOUR by Olivia Rodrigo on Spotify.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
