I’ve been on psychiatric medication since I was 11 years old. The early years I was getting medication from my Pediatrician but, as my condition became more complicated I was referred to get a psychiatrist. Most of the time since switching from my pediatrician was with the same psychiatrist. This is the psychiatrist I parted ways with earlier this year. During my initial conversation with my new psychiatrist in April he asked that I get a list of psychiatric medications I’ve taken, which in the world where I can look back at information from when I was born seems like it could be easy. But, Instead I just spent 30 minutes on the phone with a woman from my insurance company as she read me the medications I’ve taken since 2018. Only 3 years of data. Walgreens my current pharmacy could only go back to 2020. My pharmacy from when I lived with my parents only had info saved from after I had stopped getting prescriptions from there. I didn’t even bother to pick up the print out. But, you would think at least my psychiatrist of over 8 years would be able to send the prescription data or any of my chart over to my new psychiatrist but, no. I’ve emailed every month and when I do get an answer it’s either she’s conveniently on vacation or she’s working on it. My demands have gotten greater I’m now asking for all of my chart to be sent. I don’t care if it’s petty, this is ridiculous. How was I to know starting at 11 years old I needed to document every med change, of which there were numerous, instead of the medical system that can tell me what percentile of height I was in when I was age 7. The system failed me in this sense. The frustration is creating this tension in my body I can feel, but as I draw my attention to my body I feel something else. An ache in my heart. As the wonderful woman from my insurance company sat with me and listed the medications month by month since June of 2018 she told a story of a girl struggling with a mental illness that almost ate her alive and is always on the horizon. It shows the start of a new medication, the hope that it will help, titrating the dose up and up to see if we can get a therapeutic response. And it also shows the failures of the medication, the disappointment and loss of hope, titrating the dose down to prevent withdrawals. It shows a girl believing everything her psychiatrist says, trying everything she could even when it’s scary, even when the side effects could be worse than the benefit. I always tried because then at least your doing something to try to get out of the darkness.
Listening to list brought back all of the memories from those times. All of which were low points that’s why we were making a medication change that would require insurance approval. Trial and error. That’s all psychopharmacology is at this point. Or at least that’s how it seemed to me.
I wish I could say I’m now on a regimen that works but, we may not be there yet. More titration up may be required with the antidepressant I’m currently on. The answer always feels like more Milligrams. Just try this for another 4 weeks. Watch out for serotonin syndrome. I feel so alone.
I feel stupid for not keeping better track and not remembering the names of the things I put in my body. It could give so much insight in to where to go from here.
I feel let down by my former psychiatrist and the pharmacies and the insurance company. I guess I can’t blame the company’s too much because I understand it costs money to store data but, you would thing my former psychiatrist would be able to keep track of the scripts she’s written.
I’m angry, but the anger is here only to mask the hurt. Masks the retraumatization of running through the timeline of the hardest parts of my last 3 years. I can feel the anguish that I felt then, the hopelessness. It’s hard to see out of the darkness sometimes, I guess you just have to believe someday there will be light. The sun will rise.
To the woman from my insurance agency who patiently read through the medications with me over the phone for 30 minutes you were so so helpful. Your kind voice made the story you were telling less sharp.
I’m very lucky to have insurance and I’m lucky I have access to psychiatric medications. I know that’s not the reality for so many so, I just want to identify that and recognize that. It’s not something I take lightly.
I will continue to fight away that feeling of hopelessness I get every morning when I take my medications. We will find the right cocktail.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
