24, one more trip around the sun. One more birthday anxiously anticipated and not in the way I did as a kid. I used to be so excited to celebrate my birthday, be the center of attention, get presents etc. and then every year I would feel the let down of the day. Never let down because of the people or the gifts or the cake, just an emotional drop off. Over the years I have tried to approach my birthday differently. I’ve tried to make a huge deal of it and throw big parties, I’ve tried ignoring it but never enough where I took it off Facebook (I’m self centered I guess), this year I tried to just let it happen. But, still the same result. This heavy emotional burden that seems to get heavier every year. It’s hard to grasp why. I used to think I was disappointed by the reaction to my birthday but, I’ve grown out of that thinking and this year had the same result. I can hypothesize that it could be about getting the attention I’ve always longed for them realizing that I don’t like the attention anyway making me unfulfilled by the thing I’ve been chasing. I need to do more investigation I guess because I don’t think that hits the mark either.
The reasoning doesn’t matter right now, because when my parents sang me happy birthday tears welled up in my eyes, and when I blew out the candles, I can’t remember what I wished for. And I lay here on my couch crying to myself wishing so badly that I could just enjoy life like any other person. But, instead no matter what I’m crying on my birthday. I developed some amazing friendships in my 23rd year. Ones that I hope continue on past that. Not only that but I strengthened my forever friendships. They celebrate me and who I am. They celebrated my birthday with cookie cake, funny photoshopped pictures, thoughtful gifts, and musicals. They love me and I love them and my emotions as I sit here tonight are not due to them or their efforts by any means. I cherish all of it more than they will ever know. The tears streaming down my face are reminders that there’s still something to work on with my mental health. I will need to uncover this like I have so many things.
Along with my birthday being a trigger, I explained to my friend Olive that I feel like I’ve been living in a pressure cooker. From all directions the walls are closing in, and I am trying my hardest to find space to breathe. I have been successful in not being crushed just yet which I feel like could not be said if past versions of me were but under these conditions. I’m surviving.
I never thought I’d live past 18. Once I did I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was lost and had no idea who I was, I didn’t need to because I wasn’t going to see past 18. I could keep up the mask until then. But, after 18 when things didn’t end I was too tired to do the dance. I broke.
At 24, I still need super glue in some spots, I’m missing some pieces that are now filled by better ones, I’m trying my best.
I’m unsure if I’ll ever not cry on my birthday, this might just be part of coping for me with whatever the underlying stress of this day is. I’ve come a long way and I plan to keep growing. I appreciate the celebration I do. But, I guess it’s my birthday and I can cry if I want to.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
