Oh tinder how you perplex me.
I deleted all my dating apps except Hinge last week. I found that when I received a message or a date proposition (what I was on this app for) I was annoyed and overly judgmental. I came to the realization that dating apps were not for me. I kept hinge because it fascinates me and gives me the least amount of notifications...but, I’m sure I’ll get annoyed with it soon too.
Tonight I’m at a state conference for mental health. I hung out with two girls I met through the organization. One I know better than the other but both incredible human beings truly.
At the hotel where our conference is there’s also a college track team staying here. When me and Melanie (the girl I know a bit better) ran into them we giggled like school girls. Cute boys are always fun idc what you say.
Anyway I redownloaded tinder to see if I could match with any of them to hang out. Then I deleted it again after not finding anyone. And then after getting buzzed from a wonderful berry lemonade cocktail I quickly redownloaded the app and alongside Melanie and Brooke, we swiped for purposes of trolling only. I matched with a bunch of people and asked them ridiculous questions 9 out of 10 didn’t answer but there was one, Sean, who I thought could take a joke but then, it got weird.
He said he was a nursing major so I joked and said “we could take each other’s blood pressure” he then said “haha I suppose we could” and then I joked “hypertension runs in my family” which it doesn’t but that’s funny tmi. He said “good to know lol” and I said “I’m just coming clean now, if this is going anywhere” and clearly this is a joke. It’s tinder nothing like this conversation happens on tinder with any seriousness but, our boy Sean says “I feel like you jumped a couple of steps” and I thought he was joking along so I did the next extreme “what’s your five year plan?” and again I thought he understood but, he gave me his plan and then says again “But you’re getting way ahead of yourself” I keep kidding around and I thought he was too but, apparently Sean doesn’t play. When I came clean and said I was trolling he claimed I didn’t do it right, that I came on too strong not to be serious. But, in our conversation he legit directs me to his bio where it says “Not really looking for anything” and when I ask what that means he says he’s not looking for hookups or dating. So, it’s not like he was seriously into me and I played him.
And yet, I felt a wave of guilt after my buzz wore off and I disabled my account one last time and deleted the app.
I shouldn’t have trolled him, I get that, but I can’t help but think everyone needs to take themselves less seriously. I also think I’m trying to make myself feel better. It’s been a year of minor fuckups for me. Ones that wouldn’t matter to others but weigh on me heavy. It’s wild what others seem to get away with in my mind but if I do it I’m an enemy of the people. I’m my own worst critic and my people pleasing has not served me well in being a “normal” twenty one year old who can act without emotion. It is what it is and honestly...sorry Sean.
Trolling is not for me, tinder is not for me. I’m gonna just have to be okay with being on my lonesome for awhile longer. And that’s okay.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
