I got home this morning at 4am. The birds were chirping as I walked along the sidewalk from the parking lot. I felt numb. I still do.
Yesterday was supposed to be a release from the shit the real world does to you. It was supposed to be a vacation from the mundane day to day that is usually sprinkled with endless amounts of drama. It was supposed to be different.
We were visiting our friends boyfriend at his college, for clarity we will just call this College A. Our Acapella Group was asked to open for his and it was an opportunity we could not pass up. We were going to go to a real college party and have some college kid type fun before we kick into finals week and then summer which most of us have to work the majority of to pay for college. College A had a reputation for being awesome and the campus lived up to it. It was beautiful truly. Our plan ended up having a couple of snags along the way and then eventually just burst into flames when we found out that without College A ID’s we could get our buddy in serious trouble for being on campus for the party. I was disappointed but, the day had already been a mess. Two of my friends were fighting and another friend had completely just walked out on our group because she didn’t get the solo she wanted in Acapella. The drama was at an all time high so I don’t know why I didn’t take that as a note from the universe to just take the L on the day.
Instead of accepting our defeat, Annie came up with the idea of not letting the night die. I was so upset and she was so good to me and there was nothing I wanted more to go get drunk at a real college party and make out with some random dude. My goals seem very juvenile and ridiculous, I know, but I had been living my life in a bubble with a lack of simple experience that someone in college should have. Something as simple as their first fucking kiss. I don’t have any sentiment tied to it now. At this point I just want to get rid of this whole “first kiss” stigma that the older I get gets more and more annoying.
With this new found hope that tonight could be salvaged we put our thinking caps on. I called two of my friends that go to school in a nearby city. One didn’t answer my calls but ended up calling me back later on saying he was working all night and couldn’t hang but to keep him posted. The other was a little more complicated.
Sometimes there’s a person in your life you just can’t get over (platonically or romantically). You know they probably aren’t good for you but you can’t fucking help it and no matter what you always end back in the same spot. I called him which was probably a bad decision but he said he was studying all night and couldn’t hang but to text him if I needed a ride or anything. I was sad he couldn’t hang out but knew myself enough to know I probably dodged a bullet. My resources were exhausted at this point and I looked to my cohorts for support.
And then just like that, Captain had made a few calls and in a little under two hours we were on the road to some random party house 45 minutes away at College B. It was Annie and I in one car and Captain and Doug in another and the entire way I tried to psych myself up. It was time I need to be fun.
The college house eerily remind me of my brothers college home where we had once found a mouse amongst the dirty dishes. It was trashed from past parties and the furniture that was obviously not placed for ease of entry and exit nor in accordance to any fire code but instead, to allow for the maximum amount of people to view the television at once, made the place look exceptionally crowded.
There was talk of getting me a fake ID so I could get into the bars with them. This made me nervous because my sister had got caught up in some legal troubles when it came to fake ID’s so I had always avoided them and up to that point had no reason to need one. I had determined I didn’t want to go out and Cap had expressed to me he wasn’t interested either. I had insisted that I could stay at the house alone and just chill and maybe sober up enough to go home but he countered that expressing he really didn’t want to go out.
That’s when I received a call.
It was the friend from the earlier paragraph. The one who I cannot get over. I had texted him asking if he could pick me up or I could Uber to him because I was beginning to panic and needed a reason not to go out. He called me and sounded off. He was drunk and mumbled some stuff that had me pretty concerned. He asked me if I was alright and I told him I was but that I was stupid for thinking I could handle real college life and he asked me why I would say that and that I should stop calling myself that because it wasn’t true. He continued on about how I didn’t need alcohol to make friends and that college friends are all surface anyway. I realized quickly this conversation wasn’t really about me. I was so worried I asked him if I could come over but he said he was fine and that drinking alone was normal for him and I just complied. I didn’t know what to do so we exchanged goodbyes and hung up.
I walked inside with a perplexed look on my face that Captain and Annie immediately read. I explained what had happened and they were concerned also. I said that the reason I didn’t want to go out was because I think I was going to see him but, turns out he didn’t contact me the rest of the night and then this morning I got a text from him acting like nothing happened. I asked him if he remembered calling me and he said no. He asked me what he had said and I told him but, I still haven’t received a text back from him after that. Story of my life.
But, before any of that when I was “waiting for a text back” I decided not to go out and Cap stayed with me while Doug, Annie and Captains friends we were staying with went out to the bars. We sat on the couch in the dark house watching soccer highlights on repeat. We talked about how much the world sucked and how many “L’s” we had taken just in the last 24 hours. We talked about our friendship and our friendships with others. He kept apologizing for bringing the conversation back to being about him and every time I just remind him that I’m his friend and I will always listen. I decided to just drive home, I was sober enough, but I wanted to wait until I knew Annie and Doug were on their way back so Captain wouldn’t be sitting here alone. When we finally got the confirmation that they were on their way I collected my stuff, hugged the Cap and maneuvered through the various couches and tables full of empty vodka bottles. I walked outside and immediately saw a red sports car parked in the driveway blocking my departure. I couldn’t help but laugh. The cherry on top. Captain tried to wake up the others in the house still, trying to figure out whose car it was. It was 2am at this point and the bars didn’t close til around 4 so the owner of the house wouldn’t be home until then, it looked like I was staying the night. Thankfully when Annie and Doug got home they disagreed with this assumption and Annie was able to wake up the girl whose car it was and free me from this tragic night.
I told Captain to tell his friends I was dealing with some friend-shit and that I appreciated their hospitality. Also that I was sorry that they put work into finding a fake I was never going to end up using. I felt very guilty and I feel very embarrassed. Thinking about their judgments still sends a shiver down my spine and makes me lightheaded. Because in my mind it looks like I prevented Captain from going out and that’s not a good look for me. It is what it is though and I cannot change it but I’ll be thinking about it and worrying about it until I see them next...if I ever do.
I drove the hour and fifteen minutes home listening to podcasts and trying to stay awake. I was numb. I hated myself. I hated the world. I wish I could say I feel differently about it now. I mean yeah I took care of myself and did what I had to do but, I also wimped out big time and proved to myself that maybe I’m just not able to handle the fun things that I as a college student should experience.
I crawled into bed, cried a bit, then fell soundly asleep.
So, this is your strong female lead I guess. She’s a fucking mess but, not as bad as some. She hates herself. She hates so much. She can’t help it. She’s probably not the one you wanted but, she’s the one you got. She’s imperfect. But, she’s trying and that’s really all you can ask for.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
