It’s days like today I remember why I started this blog. I need a place to put the dark stuff. It makes me nervous to share because I have now opened this blog to friends so, I hope they don’t judge.
It’s been one of those days where it feels like nothing can go right but, it’s been one of those days for the past month. I have tried to wish it away, laugh it off, I even tried to add a supplementary antidepressant but when it comes down to it, I need to accept, I’m depressed.
Depression happens whether shitty events happen in your life or not. My Depression usually happens coincidentally at the same time as a bunch of shitty events which could also be my perception because when I’m depressed my emotional immune system is low therefore shitty events effect me more. Either way, as life would have it, I’m going through a number of bullshit things that I will list:
1. My Car Accident last week (yes still frustrating me)
2. That foot that has been broken for months? Yeah finally putting me in a fracture boot and taking me out of work for a month which means no $$$
3. An old friend has popped back into my life ready to stir shit up as he does unintentionally of course
4. Some take on “He’s just not that into you” sprinkled with I’m an idiot and I let myself be played
5. Microbiology in general...that class fucking sucks
6. The antidepressant I tried to use to supplement my current regiment had side effects I could not handle so now I’m getting off it meaning whatever positive effects it was having on me are now gone
7. I don’t see jazz this week
All of these things individually I could handle but together plus depression looming seems too big to bear. These problems are all minuscule to what others deal with on the daily but this is my space...judge me if you must, I know I do.
So, here I am gloomy af, snapping at friends and family, having no ability to focus, and dreading any simple action with no way of knowing when any of it will end...and that’s the beauty of it. I have tried something new this time around. I’m not going to pity myself! Fuck that! Never works anyway just makes me judge myself more. But, I’m not going tough love either. It seems the best method for this type of feeling for me is be kind to myself.
Accept my shortcomings, allow me to feel what I’m feeling and don’t be afraid to have a bad fucking day because 50% of the time the world is a shitty place to be in. I constantly tell myself that there is no such thing as wasted time, which I believe, so if that time needs to be spent gloomy so the next can be better okay! Accept the gloom! Embrace it even! I think by addressing it and allowing it to live it may be able to pass quicker. Don’t give it so much attention instead give that attention to yourself and what you need to get through the gloom. Because, it will pass but you might have a better chance at learning something from it if you don’t feed it with more negative energy.
To be completely honest this is not where I️ saw this blog post going but I’m glad we are here now. I am more than my gloom but sometimes it consumes me and that’s okay I just need to learn from that. Feel it out so it goes away. I’ll cry and wail and it’ll suck but at-least I’m getting it out. Depression sucks man and that will always be there but the gloom doesn’t have to be. And I would say it can’t get worse but that’s not something I necessarily believe and something that the girl with the green glasses is trying not to do is lie. It can always get worse but it can also always get better.
- the girl with the green glasses
