"I'm thinking of donating my left kidney, thoughts?"
I've started a few conversations like this over the past few days mostly for comedic effect however, I've quite seriously considered it. It doesn't take much to convince me to do something to help others. I think, honestly, it's because I find my self worth in what I do for others and without these actions I don't know who I am. I'm just being honest but it sounds selfish. Like, I do these things only to make myself feel good and maybe that’s true. I mean that's what my OCD says that I'm actually exceptionally selfish and if the world only knew they would hate me. This is fraud complex at its finest, something I experience quite often and this kidney issue is no different.
I went to a documentary showing at a small theater downtown to support my friends mom. She helps run the transplant team at the big hospital in our area so she asked if I would go. It was about this couple that matched on tinder and one of them had lupus and needed a kidney and the other fell in love with the girl with lupus after three dates and wanted to give her her kidney. The documentary followed their journey through surgery and left me feeling like "I could do that."
It was only a matter of time until I was thinking timelines and when I could have the surgery and I decided the best time would be after nursing school unless I get rejected from the program this semester and have to reapply in which case I could do it in January and recover throughout that time. This whirled around my head for two days after I watched that movie. And I went into work still thinking about it and brought it up to my coworkers. Initially two of them joked about how I should just sell it and make a lot of money. The third felt the seriousness in my voice and almost immediately tried to deter me from my thought process. I think the most interesting part of it is that she did.
I've realized that I can be wishy washy. I don't stand my ground on most things even if I know I'm right. I have trouble differentiating between if this is a product of my personality or OCD but, honestly, those are sometimes hand in hand so either way it's a product of me being me. My coworker’s argument was that I didn't know how my health was going to be in the future or my family's so why would I give it to a complete stranger if my gift for them could turn into a curse for me. That's a completely valid argument but, it's a relatively selfish one. It's simple math, I have two kidneys and I need one and someone else has none and needs one therefore I give them one of mine. Simple until you start thinking about why one does this. THIS IS WHAT GETS ME EVERYTIME.
Intention. Something that has haunted me for years. Am I a good person? Or am I just trying to look like a good person? Does it matter as long as you're doing it? My OCD grips onto intention with ironclad strength and refuses to let go. I get into serious thought storms about it where I’m fighting to tell myself that I’m ok, that I’m a good person, trying to fit myself into that box when in reality good and bad are subjective and are relatively undefinable. I don’t know if someone can be good or bad honestly who knows.
So where does this leave me? I’m keeping my kidney for now but, I signed up for the bone marrow registry, you can regenerate that it’s not as drastic. I’ll continue to donate blood and I’ll keep doing things that make me feel good hopefully that will be enough. I need to start trusting my own opinion. When it comes down to it I’m the only one who knows what’s right for me and the right decision is whatever one I make. I stick to this saying that there’s no such thing as wasted time and I think this relates to that. There’s really no such thing as a bad decision when the two things you are deciding between are both decent. It takes the pressure off which is what I need to do for myself. I will never really be able to determine whether I’m a good person or not...giving up a kidney won’t change that.
- the girl with the green glasses
