Last night at around 2 or 3 am I was sitting in the floral patterned chair in my living room rocking back and forth. I sat there trying to stay awake to make sure my other friend, who was pretty drunk, didn’t do anything stupid. You can call her Selena. I wasn’t sober but I wasn’t as drunk as I had been earlier in the night when there were more friends there. The point of this night was to celebrate the end of the semester and forget all the drama and bullshit that was surrounding us these days. Between friendships and boy problems me and Selena had been through the ringer and I thought adding alcohol to the situation would numb our problems but, it ended up igniting them.
This was only my second time actually drinking. I’ve been a straight edge for as long as I can remember. My moms a recovering alcoholic and I’d seen my family members become different people whilst under the influence. It felt scary. When my high school friends started drinking I was terrified. I didn’t really know the other side of alcohol, the casual side, I only knew the extreme and even if it was good in moderation all I could think about was if I couldn’t contain myself. So I stayed away. I grew distant from my friends and often felt left out. And throughout my college experience these feelings have not wavered. Just last month a group of five of my friends met up at one of their colleges and went out. I wasn’t invited but, I didn’t drink or party so there was no real reason to invite me. I realized after finding out about their great adventure and hearing all the stories over one of our school breaks that I might be missing out on a piece of life. This seemed insane to me, my fears had always kept me strapped in tight with no wiggle room and all of sudden I was considering what life could be like at the bottom of a bottle of vodka. I buried those thoughts deep. The concept haunted me though. Maybe I would enjoy going out and making out with some random dude in a dark room that smells like BO. It’s not like my other attempts at romance or connection with the male species had worked so, maybe just take the feeling out of it. These thoughts whirled around my head as I have explained to you so many times and I also started thinking that maybe drunk me would be more fun, more likable. I would be closer to my friends and get to know what it’s like to live their college experience. I thought about going to drink with them at their colleges but was too afraid so I dropped the subject. I didn’t think about myself drinking again until my friends from my school came over to pregame before going to a medieval themed concert our friend would be performing in. The reasoning for the intoxication was that if they were going to see our guy friend dressed in tights they were most definitely not going to do it sober. I respect it.
We played a quick round of kings (I drank water) before I drove them over to what turned out to be a hilarious 2 hour dinner where one of our music professors was dressed up as a king and took it upon himself to mess with one of our lovable but at this point slightly sloshed friend who we will call Captain. It was fun but what I didn’t realize was that when the “feast” came to an end our night was truly just getting started.
After the concert finale, I drove us to the liquor store right down the road where Captain picked up an 8 dollar bottle of vodka that would turn out to be my first real alcoholic beverage. Not straight of course I’m not that strong, but mixed with Snapple half and half the taste was tolerable. My college friends didn’t make a big deal of it when I reached for the bottle to mix in with my Snapple and I appreciated that. I felt completely comfortable and I was glad I was experiencing it with these people. The night turned crazy though seeming as they technically started drinking at 5:30 and by the time 10 pm rolled around half our squad had thrown up and 2 were passed out on the couch. The rest of the night was also eventful but not important to this train of thought.
The next morning was rough. I never thought I would ever experience a hangover but then there I was. I slept a lot but, had to be on my game because my older sister was coming over that night to exchange Christmas Gifts. I ended up telling her what happened and that I was no longer her straight edge little sister with a stick up her ass and I don’t think I’ve seen her more excited. For years I had judged my older siblings (9 and 11 years older than me) for their drinking. Not because it was wrong but because it made me uncomfortable. And my brother had tried time and time again to get me drunk but I wasn’t ready and I’m honestly glad I waited. My sister and brother in law gave me great advice about drinking and I honestly have never felt closer to them. They felt comfortable telling me about their crazy drunk stories knowing that now there was no judgement coming from my end.
My first time turned out to be a lot of fun and I thought every time would be like that until I was sitting in the floral chair in my living room at 2 or 3 am listening to Selena tell me she needed to call our other friend and basically tell him how great he was and some other shit. I finally just changed my name in her phone to his so she thought she was calling him and she “left him a voicemail” that I will now have on my phone forever more. Who knew drunk me was a genius. Like I said though my first time was fun but my second time I experienced another side of drunk. We were drinking to forget about our shitty friend situation but we ended up talking about it. We cried and yelled and we did all the stupid stuff emotional drunks do until all the rest of our friends ended up leaving and it was just me, Selena and our other sober friend who stuck it out. This was the side of drunk I feared. I see why people drink. It makes social interaction easier for sure but it mostly amplifies the feelings you are feeling. If you are going out to party it can amplify the fun but if you are drinking to forget because you are sad...you end up more sad. So as I lay here with a hangover that makes me want to turn off every light in the world and eat all the chips and dip I can; I think I’ll take a breather. I didn’t go crazy or anything but I need to figure out what my limits are and realize that emotionally drinking is a big deal to me. For so long I was stubborn in my thought process and felt I would be sober forever but now I’m not, that’s a big deal. I’m letting myself feel that. Moral of the story drink on your own time. Make sure you are in a safe environment with people that care about you and will help you out. And I want you to know my friend from the beginning she’s okay. She ended up keeping me up for a couple more hours while we let our sober friend sleep. She kept me up by saying so much but nothing at all it was actually very impressive. She’s also glad she left that voicemail for me instead of the boy it was intended for.
- the girl with the green glasses
