Well hello there again! If you are reading this know it has been a very long time since the last time I posted and I know it. A lot has changed. I’m in nursing school now, two of my best friends basically dropped me, and as quickly as I started drinking I think that I’m done. Let’s address those in order:
I got into an RN program that is very competitive but, now that I’m in the program, after working 5 semesters to get in, my anxious mind is trying to convince me that I’m not cut out for this and that I can’t handle it and it’s not what I want. Completely ludicrous right? Well, I hope so. No one has been able to ease this feeling of dread unfortunately. The last time I was in this state, questioning everything, was when I went to my first college like everyone else. I ended up leaving that school after a week and everyone (family, friends, acquaintances) put a lot of pressure on me to stay there and I ended up in a downward spiral that ended in me being in therapy twice a week. So, this time around no one is being stern on anything. This means, however, I am getting ZERO validation. Everyone is terrified that if they say that I was made for nursing or that it’s right for me I will take it the wrong way and spiral again. The problem is some validation that I’m on the right path wouldn’t hurt right about now but, I guess that’s what I get for telling everyone to back off. What I need to do is find that validation for myself but with my emotional immune system weak from all the stress, I’m having trouble even getting up in the morning. And the work load is insane. I finally have college friends and I can’t even see them because I’m doing mountains and mountains of homework. Its all about time management and I’m finding that I suck at it. We will see how this works out but, right now I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a mess and this isn’t the only reason why.
Number two, I lost two of my original college friends. It was a long time coming because we didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things and I get that but it doesn’t help that a lot of my interactions with one of them were negative towards the end. I didn’t realize it until I looked back but I was not the best person I could be when I was with them and that is not their fault but mine for not noticing it. I know now, that I do not deserve to be treated that way and am learning from my mistakes in those friendships. I had never really experienced losing friends like this but now that I have I see how painful it can truly be. The worst part is, one of my remaining friends is still close with them and I am terrified to lose her too. This fear has driven me to be self conscious and cautious around her which does not help a friendship at all. I’m working on it definitely but, it sometimes feels like I’m on borrowed time and any day all my friends will be gone again. And I’ll be alone again.
I believe my last post was regarding drinking (I’m too lazy to check) but it seems I will be ending as abruptly as I started on this drinking journey with night I have labeled “Dumpster Fire Night.” This truly exemplifies the way I acted that night and the way I feel about what I remember of that night. I invited all the people I cared about, became and emotional drunk, tore down pictures from my walls that included people that hurt me, held tightly to my chest a box of pictures of my friend who had passed away in high school, and verbalized the terrible thoughts I have because of my OCD terrifying everyone in earshot and the people I called on the phone. Overall, I realized I was not drinking for the right reasons. I wasn’t just having fun, I was drinking to get drunk and to not feel all this bullshit that had been going on. I can’t say I’m done for good but I learned that I need to take a solid break and reevaluate what my goals are when it comes to drinking because becoming numb should not be the goal nor does it work
Although those feel like the three biggest things going on, my belief is that it’s all kinda melded together by an overarching sadness. I can’t get away from it or explain it. It comes and goes but it’s this feeling of no one understands and I hate myself for saying that but that’s just where I am. I wanted so badly to write a post about how things are going well and tips on how to stay focused in class but, that’s not reality. And as I lay on my bed after eating my favorite food from my favorite place with two of my favorite people I can’t help but wonder why none of it is enough for me. I constantly tell my friends to reach out if they need anything but, every time I do I never feel it was successful. I know that the only person that can fix this or at least have an effect on it is me but, it seems that I’m not strong enough for that just yet. So I’m here, on my bed, hugging my childhood blanket, wishing I was anywhere but here alone, hoping that tomorrow will be better, knowing I have a shit ton of work todo and not enough time or energy to do it, and tears streaming down my face. Just a regular night I guess...
I’ll be back to write soon
-the girl with the green glasses
