This one feels extremely personal...and all I want to do is hide from the world at this time but, exposure therapy has not taken a vacation so here we are...
Also it will be split into pieces (FYI)
Chapter 1:
I went to therapy today and tried to explain my thinking that I talked about in the last episode. After about 30 minutes in Jazz stop me and asks if there’s any possibility I could be manic. Mania is a mental illness marked by periods of great excitement, euphoria, delusions, and overactivity. It is often associated with bipolar disorder. Jazz isn’t concerned I have bipolar but she is concerned that a medication I am taking could be putting me in a manic state. With the intensity of my thoughts and how grand they have become I can see how this could be true. My heart sank when she told me and I haven’t been able to return it to it’s usual spot since.
She stressed that it isn’t an emergency or anything to be really worried about but, that I should call my psychiatrist as soon as possible. Which I did as soon as I got out of the appointment with Jazz and I just got a call back from my psychiatrist and that will Be chapter 2.
But, after hearing this from my therapist I freaked out. I couldn’t be manic, could I? It is really hard to wrap your head around that feeling so thoughtful could be a bad thing since it’s the most down to earth I’ve felt in months. It’s like finding out your idol is an asshole in real life. I’m so so scared. And I don’t know what to do. I have a feeling the fix is gonna be to decrease one of my medications and that alone scares me because there’s nothing more that I hate than medication changes and because I’ve been feeling good on the increase of this specific one. This whole situation is messy and I’m seeing all the ways this could be “mania” it would make sense in some ways but, I’m still not sure. I want to fight it so bad but the more time goes by the more that invincible feeling goes away and I realize all of the red flags I may have been ignoring.
Chapter 2:
I just talked to my psychiatrist. She’s calling it more of a “hyperfocused state” which could be a good or bad thing but, I was right in thinking it would be my meds that must change and specifically the one we just upped. I’m supposed to take it in the midmorning but for efficiency I began taken it with all my other morning meds...including an extended release which is basically the same thing as the med I was talking about earlier it just lasts all day. It sucks that cutting corners could have led to this whole ordeal. I’m scared for what’s on the other side of this “high” though. Am I going to go back to being overly emotional and sleepy? Instead of extremely thorough but mentally exhausted? I’m not sure which ones better but, I know that I can’t stay this way even if it means losing my higher functioning state of mind. Another pro/con is it has taken away the need for social interaction which has been a relief over the last week because I’ve been so lonely anyway and without the need for interacting I don’t recognize that fact.
The reality is I’m scared. Very scared. I don’t know how to express that enough. The thoughts about the world have returned to the obsessive judgements of myself which is awful. It’s the intensity of my gridlock thoughts and the self doubt and hatred of my normal state. This might be hell but, jury is still out I guess.
Chapter 3:
After a few hours I’ve settled down a bit. I took half of my normal dose of the medication and took a bit of a nap. My brain is complex and disordered. It doesn’t make it better or worse just a bit different. I like having a filter and the medication gives me that. It’s hard when you realize that the meds can also cause you harm. I’m mostly scared that I didn’t know something was wrong. I really thought I was doing well...really well...and like I was kinda making breakthroughs? Sounds grandiose which is exactly what I want to hear after my misdiagnosis at Partial.
Coming down from the medication a bit has made me realize that I miss my people. All of them. I miss being surrounded with people telling me I’m not going insane. But, I’ve exhausted my excuses to reach out and I know it would be selfish to do so anyway. My current state is one of complete confusion and am having such a hard time filtering that I fear I will sound disinterested by others thoughts and ineffective in giving them any emotional support. I feel weak in that way and I’m very much still healing which can be hard to see from the outside and hard to quantify simply because it is intangible. Also because I don’t know where I’m at either. This is the first time I’ve been actually scared to share a post. I’m so scared of everything. But, my first step in accepting this entire situation is to not hold myself back. This is me and I’m so incredibly imperfect. I’ll keep you in the loop. And also Happy World Mental Health day practice some self-care.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
