Hello, did you miss me? I encourage you to refrain from answering that question until you’ve read the entirety of this post...
It feels like an eternity since I posted last. I’ve been both lost in my thoughts and deep in my studies which seems like an impossible co-occurrence for someone like me who gets overwhelmed when a fucking pin drops but, I’ve been functioning at this high stress level for a few weeks now and I’m just realizing what its done to me. But, before talking about the feeling etc. which is what my group therapist would want me to start with, here’s some unnecessary back story.
We had like three tests in four weeks and I feel like that really made me go a bit crazy and I’ve been spending a lot of time a school studying. All of my friends are pretty much gone doing their own thing which is both upsetting and relieving because if they were here, arguably, I would not have any time for them. So, what do I spend my time doing you may ask? Thinking. I’m not kidding. I literally will sit and contemplate everything. At first it was dissecting my “summertime sadness,” going over every bit seeing what went wrong. Then I went through every social relationship (friends, families, enemies) and attempted to decipher them and why they were friends with me and why they did the things they did. This stage felt like I was an alien from another planet attempting to interpret the human psyche in a way I could understand. It led me to a few conclusions about my friends. Their “type” in a relationship, why they seek out certain people when they do, why they want to go into the profession they are studying for etc. Then it was politics. With the Kavanaugh hearing and everything it entailed I dove head first into understanding everything I could. I listened to podcasts, read articles, yelled at television screens, I was there for the conversation this country was having and I was trying to disassemble it to something I could comprehend. But, throughout this entire time I was just trying to get a handle on SOMETHING because in my own mind I feel completely out of control.
I didn’t solve any of the problems I was thinking about or really make any conclusions from the connections I made so, if you’re my friend reading this no, I unfortunately don’t know why you’re doing that thing that makes no sense either, but what I did have is an epiphany about myself so...stick around for more of this shit.
I got into an interesting argument in group two weeks ago. You see I brought up my epiphany (will explain further later) and I said that I’ve made this major breakthrough but I wasn’t applying it to anything and this seems like a constant to me. I was always thinking one thing and feeling another and I tended to act against logic. It’s like I know that the boogie man isn’t real but then I still check under the bed 29 times to make sure he’s not there. The thought is rational, the action is not. So, when I go into therapy recently it’s been me talking to myself. I’ll say something and then say “but, I know that that’s not true and here’s why. But, here’s why I won’t accept that as true...” and so on and so forth. I basically therapize myself and it continues to dig me deeper and deeper into the thinking hole.
Now, I’m so deep in that I’m questioning my entire purpose on this earth. Not in an end my life way, but in a what the fuck am I doing and am I doing it right? Kinda way.
I almost feel like I’m supposed to impact the world in this big way if I every want to feel successful and if I don’t start thinking about it now it won’t happen. And it’s not an anxious urgency feeling, I don’t have symptoms, it’s just a contemplative conversation happening in my head. It feels like I’m the First Lady trying to figure out what “my issue” is going to be. No offense Melania but mine certainly isn’t cyber bullying.
But, this is what I do all day. I’m distracted but, not unhappy just deep in thought. And I didn’t think it was that big a deal until today I took the internal conversation, external with my old teacher from high school and shit got Trippy. She got lost a few times I could see it on her face and she didn’t say a word for like an hour, she didn’t have to. I asked and answered all the questions she could have had for me. This leads me to my earlier epiphany that maybe profound sounding but will end up meaning nothing. You see my argument is that I can analyze what’s going on in other people’s lives because I don’t have the inside dialogue. There’s less emotion and more critical observations. No chatter. Meanwhile in my own head it’s a circus, there’s too many connections happening. It eerily reminds me of that episode of spongebob where they are burning all the files in his brain, running around with things on fire.
I can’t tell if I’m bored or if it’s the meds but I’m lost but, I’m functioning. Not as much emotion while I’m in thought then it will all hit me at once, exhausting me and making me want to sleep. But, how can this understanding be applied? Treat myself and my problems as I treat others and there’s? Maybe. Or stop making connections in your friends lives. What a fun and fresh idea (sarcasm)
I feel useless and worthless but, in the practical sense. Like what am I contributing to society at a macro level? Very little. Is this normal or no? Am I normal? Am I below or above average? What am I even measuring? WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF ASKING THESE QUESTIONS?
I just got lost again. I don’t even remember the tone I took when first starting this post and I don’t know if that tone has changed. I don’t know what this weird fog is but, it feels like that game where you move the blocks around to get the one red block out and there’s always another level. I’m not unhappy but, I’m not happy. I’m not strong but, I’m not weak. I feel like I’m healing. Maybe my brain processes and the way they relate to my emotions are attempting to reconnect in a healthy manner. I’m alone most of the time and I’m questioning everything. Who are my friends? Why? Why are they still around? And I’m not asking in a desperate way, it feels like I’m asking out of curiosity, like knowing would somehow limit the questions about that particular friendship when in reality it would most likely just create more. I want to feel in control of something.
But, how does that make me feel? I’m agitated and short with people. I have trouble taking a joke just because most of the times I’m not following/listening to what’s being said. I don’t focus when people talk to me. And all I want to do is sleep. I reach out to my friends via text but, I don’t know what I want from them. I want control and clarity and you can’t ask your friends for that or they will think you’re crazy. I’m already the crazy friend. I don’t want them to feel obligated to open the door for me just because I did for them. Because chances are they will be holding that door way longer than I did for them just because I’m a fucking mess.
So, I want you to ask yourself again...Did you really miss me or these posts? You don’t have to say anything because in my head it’s already asked and answered...
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
