I’m back in the emergency room. My pediatrician sent me here again after I called her. My dad came with me this time, I asked him to drive me due the potential of them giving me pain meds but also because I’m scared to be alone. This time my pediatrician called ahead for me, letting the ED know what was going on so they wouldn’t dismiss me...turns out she did a bit more than that.
I trusted her, and so when my dad huffed and puffed about coming to the emergency room I was frustrated. I’m here to get help, my doctor sent me here. I was a broken record and so was he. I was sobbing in the waiting room arguing with him. He made me look insane. At some point he turns to me and says “Did you ever think that maybe your doctor sent you here because you kept calling and she didn’t have an answer and didn’t want to deal with it?” And if you read two episodes ago you know I had. I cried more and more. He’s the first person that confirmed my paranoia was real.
I ended up asking the front desk what the chances were of me getting a CT Scan tonight. They said there wasn’t one ordered. I began to cry again I just didn’t understand. Then he said “but we have a bed for you!” And my dad then agreed to stay.
We got brought back and I got a real bed not just a recliner between curtains. When I commented on “I wonder why I got a real bed this time.” My dad said “they probably felt bad for you, I made you cry. We make a great team” I couldn’t help but laugh. That man he may be tough but he’s funny as hell.
The nurse was incredible, the first doctor too. But, it wasn’t until the second doctor came in until I got the full picture.
He examined me, asked questions, told me my labs were normal and then said we will do the CT Scan even though I’m a young woman and it’s a lot of radiation and they hate to do it. But, then came the real news.
He said “did I see something about a psych consult?” I looked at him perplexed because I was. He said “your pediatrician sent you here and in the note it says to see a psych consult.” And that’s when I understood what had happened.
My pediatrician had got tired of me calling. She read my file post Partial and didn’t like my disregard for her psychic and coupled with my past psychosomatic pain...she had made her decision.
I feel embarrassed and stigmatized beyond belief. I’m angry at the world. I’ve apologized to my dad nearly 70 times. I just don’t even know what to say. I’m texting captain he’s the only one awake right now. He doesn’t know what to say either. He is being as supportive as he can be but, there’s nothing to be said.
I’m still in pain, but now I’m pissed too. I’m gonna get this CT Scan now. It is what it is. There’s probably nothing wrong but, at this point whatever. If it shows nothing, at least we’ve ruled it out.
I got the CT and it’s clear. Leaves us with a diagnosis of Nerve Pain that everyone stressed to me is REAL pain. I chuckle because I fucking know it is, it keeps me up at night and prevents me from breathing deeply. They gave me a prescription of Gabapentin which is for nerve pain. Maybe I can finally get some relief.
As soon as I got home I called Cap. I talked at him for twenty minutes because that’s what I do when I’m stressed. He’s a good sport though he always says he likes chatting with me even though I do all of the chatting. Everyone needs a friend like him but, it’s hard to find.
As for the psych evaluation that never came to be, thank god for my dad being there. If I was alone they would have a hundred percent sent me for that evaluation. I will never go back to that doctor as long as I live. While I was on the phone with Captain I came up with a word for this horrible feeling...betrayal. I’ve seen this doctor for a half my life. She’s seen me through the psychosomatic days and the deep deep depression days. This situation felt vengeful and cruel. I’m hurt. She is creating stigma by assuming my pain is not real. Instead of giving me boundaries, she took my three calls as obsession even though she told me to call. I can’t help but feel ashamed and I have worked way too hard to be feeling that way. I did my best. I trusted my doctor and I was wrong. It’s ok to be wrong (I’m cringing). No but it is. That’s how we learn. It’s just sad that this is teaching me to be weary of health care professionals when that’s the field I’m going in to.
I’ve had sometime to think about everything now. I’m still shook up about it. I’m scared how prevalent the stigma of mental health still is. I think I always knew but I was always a bit hopeful that the world wasn’t that gloomy, that people were learning.
My dad called me and referenced the movie knocked up. He said he was thinking about when the two characters argued and at the end of it one of them says something along the lines of I’m glad we argued I feel like we bonded over this. He said that he feels like that’s what happened to us last night. I laughed, I’ll let him believe that. He needs to because he will feel too guilty if he doesn’t.
I learned a lot from all of this, I’m just hoping it doesn’t leave me jaded. Stigma is all around, we cannot become complacent in times when we think we have won, that’s how we get buried.
I’m in a lot of pain, I’m exhausted and I feel sick as hell. I feel a little delusional sorry to my friends getting messages from me tonight. Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
