My mental health is still recovering from this past summers events, I admit it. I am not as strong as I want to be. I’m no snowflake, I’m not looking for attention, I’m just still coming to terms with the fact that “I’m not like other girls.”
My OCD does prevent me from doing things the same way a persons Peptic Ulcer effects their diet. I need to avoid those irritating “foods” to protect my self from a night full of pain and suffering. Sounds a bit dramatic? Had to spice things up. It’s a reality I’ve been slowly but surely accepting and I’m getting there but, when I meet people who have never had an obtrusive thought that’s sent them into a downward spiral...I resent them.
Recently my intrusive thoughts have been rough. It’s as if my OCD is seeing me slowly put up these walls of protection and they have gone from 0-100 real quick trying to tear them down.
With all that’s happening in the United States right now, I see danger everywhere. A few days ago I was at clinical and one of my fellow students came up behind me and just rested their hand on my back. I reacted as if this women had caused a third degree burn with the touch of a finger. My squirming called for concern as she asked “are you okay?” And I answered “yes, just don’t like to be touched.” Which I’m not sure is true. I think I don’t like being surprised by touch and that’s the biggest thing. I’m on edge all of the time but, thankfully I’m not agitated so I’m not taking it out on anyone but, I am terrified.
I keep having this feeling as if my depression or anxiety or something has surrounded me and is slowly creeping closer. With no escape I just turn around and around and around looking for an opening. I’m always able to get myself out of the thought before they get me but, that feeling can lasts hours after.
It makes sense to a certain extent. My safety nets are not around. I cannot find comfort in seeing my friends faces everyday. Instead I look around wherever I am looking for that feeling of recognition and comfort. Sometimes I think “I’ve seen that person before” and most of the time it’s true but, the place I saw them was 10 minutes ago...in the same place.
I have trouble fighting this monster still.
I am trying so hard to do this thing on my own. Yes, for all the normal burdening feelings and the fact that I want my friends and family to live their own lives but, also because I cannot rely on them forever because to put that kind of “forever” pressure on them would be unfair. My OCD tells me not to expect anyone to stick around me for long periods of time. Thankfully I have friends like Olive and Daisy who have been around for a little under 10 years and work their hardest to defeat this thought with me every single day. Thanks y’all da homies. As for everyone else it’s not that I have a fear of abandonment, it’s more that I have an understanding why you would abandon me and like I get it. This is extremely unhealthy and I’m working on it, it’s a part of imposter syndrome. But, it’s hard to get validation when you feel like a burden, so you don’t and then you feel disconnected and start to disassociate, it’s a cycle.
I’m trying to calm down, not scare anyone with my interesting form of paranoia. I think it’s normal but, I’m keeping an eye on it. Also the touch thing. I’m also keeping a log of when/who/where this happens. I don’t want to let it get too far because human touch is a part of life and I shouldn’t be scared of it. I love hugs still which is good. I guess it’s a form of physical validation which sounds so weird (sorry).
I just looked around at my apartment...it’s a mess again. I was just thinking about how the state of my apartment directly reflects my state of mind. There’s shit everywhere. Stuff I’m trying to remember to recycle, stuff I don’t want to forget, stuff that doesn’t have any other home than to be sprawled out on my couch, stuff I know that as soon as I put it away I will need it again so to avoid the hassle let it live on the living room floor. Unfinished projects also surround me. I still have my boondoggle I started at camp this past summer laying out at the corner table beside my couch...just in case.
It’s interesting. I often see these posts as a snapshot of time in my life. But, this post started a week ago and I’m just finishing it a week later and I feel the same way as I did at the intro. I don’t know if that’s good or bad and I don’t know if this post makes any sense. I may be in some emotional turmoil but at least it’s consistent.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
