When I first started this blog over a year ago, it had one purpose: to be a secret refuge to express my thoughts and feelings. From then to now a lot has changed. I’ve become more and more confident in myself and my writing and I unapologetically share my experience with most people that ask. My blog although not completely public, is now open to a few friends and family and I have owned the questions I get regarding what I write here quite well. I have thought for a while that I had a good handle on my emotions. I knew when they were happening and why and I thought I knew how to control them. But, it seems my friends, I was a bit off the mark on that one.
I recently found out that I avoid having negative emotions towards anyone like it’s the plague. My therapist says I avoid negative emotions more than the average and with that comes repression.
A combination of my group therapy mentioning it and another friend calling me out on having repressed feelings has opened the flood gates. I’m in a whirlwind of the feels. I’m more anxious than I’ve been in months and it’s scary but, I think the wild thing is how this all came about.
Since this past weekend when I was in the hospital I have felt “crazy.” This was an undefinable state, I could not verbalize it but, I truly believed I was losing my mind and losing touch with reality. That’s a terrifying feeling! And I thought nothing could be worse until my group therapist explained she believed it was a mask feeling.
A mask feeling is basically defined as concealing one emotion by portraying another. An example is Someone is super sad but, They can’t really do anything with that so they get angry. It’s kinda like projection in a way but, it doesn’t involve another person. For me, I’m getting to a point where I could possibly have the “normal” life that I’ve always dreamed of but, it seems way to scary and so much work that my mind is just like “NOPE YOU BEST BE CRAZY THIS SHIT IS TOO MUCH” and sends me into a spiral.
It took a bit to realize this. It’s easier to be like “well, I’m crazy so he would never like me back” than it is to ask and be rejected. It’s easier to say “well, they are never going to give that internship to me I’m literally insane” than to apply and be disappointed. I’ve merged a self-protectant behavior and a self-sabotaging behavior into one. Most self sabotaging behaviors serve some sort of purpose or we wouldn’t do them. However, if I want to start the next step in recovery I’m gonna have to recognize these behaviors and actively choose a different route.
So, yeah no big dramatic ending or big news, or at-least what’s on my mind I need to sort it out first before sharing...if I ever share it. I’m not going to actively start having negative emotions towards people I’m just going to let myself sit with any feeling that comes my away, even if it’s uncomfortable.
So, I might not be crazy after all. I’m having normal emotions (which still suck by the way) but, It’s a step in the right direction except having feelings like this seems to have a lot more implications than an OCD attack...can’t seem to win here.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
