Burden.
I’ve talked about this mind fuck that I live with before but, I don’t think I’ve ever really realized why I had this mentality. Well I mean that was until this past weekend.
My family came into town for thanksgiving. I know it sounds nice but, not always. I’m the youngest, I’m the one that gets shit on the most and the one everyone is trying to give unwanted and invalidating advice. I’ve been able to avoid it since I moved out and my family moved away but, holidays are when they want to catch up on time missed.
I know they don’t do it to be cruel, and I am very lucky to have them, it’s just when you finally see the reason why you are the way you are you cannot unsee it.
My family has a tendency to want to handle everything and although they wanted to be part of the conversation once they found out what it was about they usually thought it to be stupid and wonder why I was even upset in the first place. It started when I was young and I was an annoyance. “Don’t bother mom with this she’s so stressed” or “Your father had a long day at work he doesn’t want to hear about that” were frequently spoken around my house and led to a childhood where my problems were often compared to people who had it far worse off than I, disregarding any emotion or feeling I was having as irrelevant in the grand scheme. I have been conditioned to believe my thoughts and feelings should take a back burner to others. Jealousy turns into a dirty feeling and the only way to be loved is to stop “making such a big deal out of everything” and do my work.
None of this was purposeful on my family’s part. Everyone was just trying to spare everyone else from the 6 year old having anxiety over thinking some girl is mad at me just because she looked at me weird. It turned my life into a pinball machine where I would be knocked from person to person looking for connection and validation just to be sent away again.
It mirrors what happened later in life with doctors visits. Going one to the other no answers and there always being another person to shrug me off. That’s deep.
I’m not saying that I had a horrible childhood by any means, it just explains a lot about how I see myself, about this burden mentality.
My social life has been directly effected by this. Asking for help can be painful, expecting anyone to actually want to spend time with me is literally insane, and no matter how many times someone says they care about me and don’t mind when I text them I assume they are lying to me.
It’s fucked, it’s like really fucked and I can’t get away from it. My poor friends have to deal with the fact that unless they tell me everyday that they want me in their life, I might believe that I’m disposable. And even then it’s so easy for my brain to argue that they are doing it just because they want something from me.
I started validating my friendships using gifts and buying them food at a very young age. I would tell myself that this is how I prove my worth but, after they accept the offer, it becomes the only reason they stay around and I’m just the deliverer of goods.
I have this desire to have all my friends come together and get along but also an overwhelming fear that I was the catalyst for my own expenditure. Both parties will like each other way more than they will like me, I mean I would.
This happens 24/7, all the time. Sometimes I’ll get mad about something and argue to myself that I don’t deserve to be treated someway just to shatter into pieces at the thought of confronting the person that made me angry.
I have friends though, some have been around for 10 years now, but I’d be lying if my insecurities hadn’t almost ruined those friendships at least once. And I have no reason to be insecure. Think about how my friends came through for me this summer at the cabin. I think about it often. My brain in its darkest state has tried to come up with so many excuses for why they would come back. They can’t possibly care. But, they did and they do and I should know that. I can never know it for sure though.
I have this picture of me and my two friends who have been in my life since middle school. We took it this past weekend and I’m not gonna show it for anonymity reasons but I will describe it. It’s the three of us all bundled up and in a group hug. Daisy has this cheesy smile on her face in the center of the photo, Olive is looking at me laughing mightily at probably nothing. She doesn’t always like pictures of her laughing but, they are legit my favorite. As for me, My face is just peaking in on the side of the photo. I’m looking intently at Olive. My profile makes for great framing for the photo. The side of my face barely in it. I’m looking at these two wonderful people. It’s what I want to be, cozy and included even if it’s just a little.
These comments feel attention seeking and as if I’m dramatizing all of this. If you feel that way that’s your purgative but, what I can tell you is this is the most honest I’ve been about my friendships in this blog yet.
I started this blog because I was tired of casting myself as a supporting character, turns out it may be the only role I know how to play currently and attempting any other position feels selfish. My family’s voices echoing in my head. You see there’s no stopping this train in its tracks. I’m going to need a lot of re-wiring if I ever want this mindset to change. I’m certainly going to try, and fail but, I’ll try again. Because if I ever want to stop stressing my friends out and making them worry I need to stop believing that’s all I do. I need to start believing that they wouldn’t answer my text if they didn’t want to talk, they wouldn’t call back after missing my call if they didn’t want to know why I called. I’m not just some convenient friend, on the contrary most of my friends have every excuse to avoid me they have their own busy lives.
That photo is my phone background. It reminds me what I’m fighting for. I’m fighting to feel worthy of these people that are in my life. I’m fighting to feel better than the people that treat me like shit. It would be so easy to just sink into the loneliness and let it consume me. Let my demons that never go away take control of the wheel and drive us off a cliff. I could do that. But, although I wouldn’t be here anymore, the guilt of leaving my family and friends with any sort of grief, the kind of grief that has torn me a part for four years, is unbearable. And now with this new campaign “Make Sure Your Friends Are Okay” that’s happening on social media, I’m afraid it will make others feel they are responsible for what I feel and do. “I should have known” is a comment I hear quite a bit. But, at the end of the day warning signs are so different for everyone and I’d be lying if I said people always show them. I think this movement is important. We should talk more in general about mental health and those dark dark thoughts and feelings even if they are just fleeting. But, as someone who constantly feels like a burden anyway, it’s a scary thing to remember. On this earth, yes, we live for ourselves but a part of us is the connections we make with others. Whether it’s a negative or positive connection, severing it effects both parties. It’s a hard thing for me to wrap my head around when my self esteem is super low. Why would someone be effected I’m such a minuscule part of everyone’s lives? It doesn’t matter. Any death reminds us of our own mortality.
I don’t want anyone to feel any responsibility over my actions or feelings, they are mine. If you did something to cause them it is my job to tell you. It’s a contract of healthy communication. But, it must be understood, that some feelings and thoughts are not prompted by a specific outside or internal action. We may have emotions that can be assigned no fault and that’s okay! It is not anyone’s job to solve a feeling. This fear of distress and the fixing mentality has lead to a lot of my social downfalls. I cannot be fixed, although I wish I could be, and in conversation it feels pertinent to fix the feeling of others, mostly because residual feelings are similar to contact highs and if someone’s in pain a lot of people feel that and become anxious by it. But, as much as it is uncomfortable for you it is not your feeling. I mean your discomfort is and the residual feeling is and you can resolve that for yourself but, my feeling whatever it may be, will remain until it’s time for me to let go. No one is responsible for my feeling, that is not avoiding being a burden that’s healthy. I mean I think.
I don’t feel sorry for myself. I am the person who chooses my decisions not anyone else. Judging me for my decisions may feel good sometimes to you, but most of the time it’s to avoid your own feelings.
I still feel like a burden. I can’t help it and that’s okay. I don’t have to fix this feeling but, I do have to manage it. I’m trying to flip the script on myself. Every time I hear in my head the word “burden” I try to remember the “burden of proof” lies with the prosecution. Meaning when my brain comes to me with this accusation that I am a burden there should be evidence, beyond a reasonable doubt, that that is true. I’m trying not to let my thought disorder ruin my life and if I have to put it on trial to do so...so be it.
I know this was a long one but it was important to me to get it out. There’s a lot going on in my life at the moment and it’s hard for me to write about the past so I’m trying to keep up. There’s no commercial breaks or jump cuts in real life unfortunately. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
