I returned to my tinder matches today to find one less name under the list of conversations. Craig unmatched me.
I don’t know if my emotion about it is more about me or him.
I’m worried about him and his mental health but, as my friend Amelia reminded me he knows his supports and he also knows how to contact me.
But, in reality I know that’s not really what’s bugging me about this.
Did I scare him away? Maybe.
Did he just delete his tinder? Also Maybe.
Does it matter which one removed him from my inbox? No.
What does matter is how it makes me feel and why I feel this way.
This kid was my connection to recovery again. Someone that reminds me what it’s like to be in treatment and to be getting better. So, yeah it kinda feels like recovery broke up with me. That’s fucking scary.
You might think I’m crazy and making something out of nothing. I don’t fault you for this but, I can’t change the way I am and what I feel trust me I’ve tried.
This is kinda poetic in sick and twisted way. My human embodiment of traditional recovery rejected me and now I guess I have to find that path another way.
I feel the need to convince you (my reader) that I’m not losing my shit. That I’m not a crazy stalker bitch. I mean I feel the need to convince you of this because I need to convince myself of this I guess. But, I’m not. Being in treatment with someone is a very unique and intimate experience. It’s something you have to feel to understand. You care deeply about these people so quickly and then you are forced to never see them again. It’s difficult. And then you like find them on tinder and there’s no road map on how to navigate that so you just have excessive emotion about the whole thing. It’s very interesting...very very interesting.
My gut reaction is to delete tinder and throw in the towel on normal life and enter a treatment facility and get help...because that worked sooooo well the first time (sarcasm). But instead, I’m going to go against my gut reaction because, that’s different and we need to switch up our approach. I’ll stay on tinder and I’ll keep fighting for my version of recovery...it might be something I haven’t even seen yet.
(ALSO RECOVERY DOES NOT EQUAL HAVING A MAN! It just so happens that this symbolism used a man to represent recovery but, that doesn’t mean the two are correlated. No man or woman or person can help me get better except me!)
I’m trusting my lonely (Alessia Cara reference! Listen to her album!) and I’ll fight for my sanity. Rejection sucks but, it doesn’t define you!
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
PS
Really wanted to do a pun about how like he may have unmatched me but don’t worry my resilience is unmatched too but, it seemed like too much. And it definitely was I just wanted it in here somewhere I guess.
