As I was leaving Dakota’s Aunt’s house tonight, I remembered something. The last time I was getting in my car to drive home from this house, I was writing goodbye notes in my head to my loved ones. I was planning. It was a birthday party they threw for me and the events are detailed in episode thirty-one if you want to refresh your memory but, I was close. I ended up calling my mom to stay with me that night for safety reasons.
I wish I could say I felt so much better and stronger leaving that house tonight but, I’m afraid not much has changed. I was talking about it tonight in group, I haven’t gotten better... I’m in crisis I’m just better at hiding it. I’m trying to make myself easier to tolerate for the people around me. I need these people. But, the sicker I get in my head the harder it is to reach out.
Tonight however I did reach out. I told my friends I was struggling before I told my blog...that’s huge for me. I was in a room with my friends from high school and felt disconnected as one does when they are struggling. I ended up texting Doug and Captain. They both did just what I needed them to do and I appreciate them big time. It’s hard because the guilt I feel for relying on people often prevents me from reaching out but, people prove time and time again that that’s what they are for. I just don’t know how many more times they have to do that for me to believe it.
So, where is this all coming from? I know that I wax and wane and that during the semester I struggled but when unoccupied and no people around me to be accountable to...that’s when I struggle the most.
This isn’t out of the blue, we know that post semester depression occurs for me but also I have been fighting these demons consistently the whole semester, I just have no distraction now.
And then there’s this other little thing...
It we throw it back to episode forty-one we will recall my good friend Craig. He was this guy I met in Partial and we made a sober pact for the weekend and was part of the iconic “sad boyz” quartet we made in one of our groups. In that post I said that I hoped they would contact me but if they don’t it is what it is. Well I forgot to update that two out of three did contact me. One of whom being Craig. We exchanged texts for a while until it died off. I was disappointed when this happened but, that’s life. And up until recently I hadn’t even thought about him much at all. And then I redownloaded tinder.
It’s not one of my finest moments and Captain (an avid tinder opponent) will be pissed to find out via blog so I’m gonna have to text him before I post this but, to get over the boy mentioned in the episode sixty-two (who we can call Nick) and to just talk to some new people it seemed like the best option. You see what happened with Nick sucked and also (side bar) found out both Cap and Elle are not too disappointed it didn’t work out for me because they don’t like him much. I don’t think that anything will ever come of it but, Nick is still going to be around quite a bit so it’s hard to hear that from them. They tell me I can do better but, my argument is that I couldn’t seal the deal with this guy what evidence does anyone really have that I can do better. Like guys I love you but we need to keep our minds open and expectations low...like really low.
Anyway so I downloaded tinder. I swiped for a while whatever nothing big and then there he was...my good friend Craig. I swiped right and it was a match and not 10 minutes later he messages me “Omg Jess!!!” And a “Hi how are you” and it turned my Christmas night into something else. He ended up back in partial which sucks but, I told him that I was low-key jealous and it honestly brought up a lot of emotions for me.
You see Partial is a program that was planned company all day. You weren’t alone and you didn’t have to put in work for it to be that way. I am the one who often reaches out to make plans and stuff and since that’s been the way it is I’ve convinced myself that if I just stopped and let people come to me they wouldn’t. I’ve convinced myself that no one would ask how I was or ask to hang out ever. I’ve convinced my self I’m not worthy of others. So, during break where I’m so frequently unoccupied I find myself trying to fill every second of the day with people. It’s exhausting but, I know if I want to stay safe it’s what needs to happen. It’s just a lot of work. Partial you go and your days schedule is handed to you and your companions that hopefully become your friends are also and the work you do on yourself isn’t easy but the environment to do that work in is. I miss the environment.
I talked to Doug, Cap and Courtney about it tonight. It makes sense people like the structure. But, it wasn’t just the structure it was having people around. People like the sad boyz that get it. That’s why I cherish Doug’s friendship so much because he gets it. And Cap too to an extent! But, it won’t be the same as Partial and I have some regrets about leaving Partial early. Maybe if I didn’t leave so quickly I’d be better now...but then again maybe not.
I messaged Craig again tonight even though he didn’t answer me last night. I asked about one of the group therapists in Partial and what her joke of the day was. Unfortunately she’s been doing intakes so he hasn’t seen her...but, ya know I have this weird inkling that I didn’t really message him because of a dumb dad joke. I wanted a connection to the inside...to treatment...to recovery. The conversation died again though and I have nothing to reignite it so it’s probably done and I’m disappointed but, that’s okay overall.
I guess I have gotten a bit better. I mean I’m still in distress but I can tolerate it a lot better and I think that’s partially the goal. I will continue to rely on my friends and try to tell them things directly and not through the blog. And most importantly I’ll follow my damn safety plan and I’ll stay safe. Hope you do too.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
