Welcome to another cheery episode. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in high school but, I have been surviving this nightmare for as long as I can remember. Often, people recognize OCD as being neat and tidy but, I’m here to tell you just because you like your pictures on the wall evenly spaced or you like to make your bed a certain way does not mean you have OCD. There are many people on the internet who get outraged when people say “I’m a little OCD” or use the acronym as something else like “Obsessive Cat Disorder.” I use to be ok with these phrases and let them roll off but as I get more familiar with my disorder and how intertwined it is with my life the more frustrated I get. I’m not some snowflake who gets upset when people say things that I disagree with. Most of the time I try my hardest to educate someone on my point of view and hear them out on why they think what they think but, when I’m in an OCD spiral and you tell me you like your notes to be color coded a certain way because you’re “a little OCD” be prepared for me to verbally smack you up the side of the head. The more people trivialize and commercialize this disorder, the more invalidating it is to people fighting with it everyday. It all comes down to lack of knowledge about the disorder. So, that’s why I’m here to tell you my most recent OCD story. My OCD makes me feel like I’m causing people’s cancer.
Now, I need to preface this by saying I know that it’s irrational you need not tell me, I know! But, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m drowning in guilt.
I found out a week ago that two of my coworkers whom I adore became seriously ill. For whatever reason I don’t feel comfortable with sharing the details of their illnesses, but I will share that both ended up being cancerous.
The way OCD works is that it often makes connections between two things that shouldn’t connect. Some people believe if they don’t flip the light switch on and off six times someone will get struck by lightning, others believe if they don’t wear a specific pair of socks their house will catch on fire. Very superstitious I know but, often these compulsive behaviors come about because of a traumatic event. For example for the kid with fire preventing socks, it could be he wore different socks and there was a house fire so the next day he wore the special socks and no fire happened. Was it by chance or because of the socks? People with OCD often don’t want to take the risk. They find the link and it becomes iron clad so they continually do the compulsion as to reduce the stress. If I’m being completely honest, OCD is a pretty self centered disorder. We think we have all this power to do harm to those around us. It’s pretty astounding actually because most people I’ve met with OCD have low self-esteem.
So anyway, how does this relate to me being a carcinogen? Well, four years ago my best friend passed away from cancer. There was no compulsion involved but, I have never been able to escape this guilty feeling since. One of my coworkers has a similar type of cancer to what my friend had four years ago. And originally we believed my second coworker had some kind of lung cancer and my mom had that before I was born. It turns out though it’s a different kind of cancer, and my mother’s best friend had the same one. So, it seems ridiculous, but I feel I’m the common denominator regarding all of these people and their cancers. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what compulsion could fix this, could fix me. What compulsive behavior could prevent me from being this cancer causing demon. It keeps me up at night, it makes me want to die. This is OCD. Crying because you’re crazy and also hating yourself because you’re brain is telling you that you’re just making it all about you. It’s an endless cycle. But, at the end of the day it’s probably my coping mechanism. I can’t save anyone but it’s so hard to grasp the concept that you are worthless and helpless to people you care about. It may be easier for my brain to believe that you have power over the situation even if it’s negative then to feel the hopelessness you feel when you see someone you love and care about suffering. I’m not sure. But, just talking it out and trying to reason with it is exhausting. I’m exhausted and I’m scared.
OCD is so much more then organizing your skittles into rainbow order. It’s an arduous battle that I fight as soon as I wake up until I fall asleep. I’m not trying to make this become a woe is me thing, I already hate myself for writing this post for that reason. No, I’m writing this so that next time before you say “I’m a little OCD” about using only one color pen in your notes for biology, you remember the weight those three letters really hold.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
