“Don’t try to make sense out of it you’ll drive yourself crazy” my dad said to me tonight on the phone before we exchanged goodbyes. Today I found out about a tragedy. I can’t speak much about details so I won’t but I will selfishly frame this story around me and how I feel because, unfortunately, that’s the only thing I can control in this world.
One thing my OCD is good for is placing blame. I have always been hyper focused on justice because of it. Nothing in this world just happens, there is always some place where something could’ve been changed. An alternate timeline where the world is brighter. One action of one person that could have switched the outcome. And as I said before, I can only control one thing and that’s me so you can guess who usually carries the blame.
On one hand, it relieves the discomfort of uncertainty and that the world is random and tragic. As I said in a previous post, having power and it effecting the world negatively is easier then to truly be powerless. However, taking responsibility for something so grievous can cause serious damage to someone. I have taken on the pain and suffering that comes with tragedy. I am currently owning that pain although in reality there is nothing I could have done. We live in an iniquitous world.
I want someone to blame. I need there to be something that could have been different. I am ashamed to be a part of a broken system that has resources and yet fails to implement them. Or to be apart of a system that did all it could but, was just inadequate. I don’t know which one is scarier.
I have guilt for something I could not have stopped. Everything is clearer looking back but, either way it was never a responsibility of mine to prevent an incident like this. Yet I give myself so much power just to feel powerless. I lay here trying to figure out what should have happened instead of going through the pain of accepting what did. Which one is healthier? Who knows. As my dad said, there’s no sense. There’s nothing. Some kinds of evil cannot be explained or prevented. And yet I will still try. I don’t know whether thats a sign of optimism or ignorance. I wish this post was lighter, more entertaining, but, reality is smacking me in the face this evening. This is a cruel cruel world.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead.
