I really wanted this to be my 17th post.
I have a connection with certain numbers. It could be an OCD thing or human mind thing but, certain numbers mean more than others. For example: 34 was my brothers lacrosse number, 68 was his football number, 97 was the year I was born, 95 was the year my parents tied the knot, and 17...well 17 was how old my best friend was when she passed away.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned her in previous posts and if not, it’s not because I don’t think about her everyday. No, to be honest I think that it doesn’t come up in stories because it’s a constant in my life and something that I’ve learned in nursing school is don’t take time documenting what’s normal just focus on the irregular so I guess that’s what I do. But, she’s a major part of everything I do no matter what and just recently it marked 4 years since we lost her.
I was 16 at the time, a junior in high school. I cared way too much about what people thought of me and I was dressed in a T-shirt and jeans everyday without fail. I had reconnected with H my sophomore year after being partially hospitalized for depression and anxiety. She had been diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the school year and it felt like she was the only person who understood that I was not breakable post hospitalization. Everyone else handle me with kitten gloves and I think that the same happens when your diagnosed with something so serious. People start to look at you like you’re distant, they don’t trust you with things, they don’t want to burden you. I will never know for sure but I think our bond was as strong as it was because we cut the bullshit and never treated each other like we were sick.
Unfortunately, I could treat her like she was healthy all I wanted but, cancer didn’t give a fuck. Her body was taken over by the disease and we lost her.
Grief at a young age hits ya hard. I broke after losing her and I’m still rebuilding and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop. It’s been four years, four anniversaries. The volume of social media posts about it has gone down and sometimes it feels as if people have forgotten. I know in my gut they haven’t. Some people have healed quicker or haven’t gotten to a place to start yet. Everyone really does handle grief differently. I just hope that if H is looking down from above she doesn’t take it personally.
I’m sure, if there’s a heaven, they conduct classes on what to expect from the living around the anniversary of your passing. There’s probably a protocol to follow so that you remain comfortable in the fact that it’s normal for people to move on. Thinking that she knows it’s normal doesn’t make me want to though.
You’ll notice earlier I said “if there’s a heaven,” and I’m sure I’ll write a whole post about religion someday but, this is relevant to now for two reasons. One, I believe that it is easier for people who subscribe to religion to grieve. From what I’ve seen in my own community, the people who truly believe they will see their loved one again or that they are in a better place tend to heal quicker as far as outward appearances. I don’t know this for a fact but, from the experiences I’ve had throughout H’s death, religious people tend to just have an ease about them. Having not grown up in religion, or having any exposure to it at all really, I cannot blindly believe anything. Religion serves a great purpose for many people though and I envy the bliss it brings them honestly.
This brings me to my second piece. Just because I don’t believe in religion doesn’t mean I don’t believe in something bigger than us. Having H pass away has made me become more spiritual in general. There are certain events that have happened to me that I have taken as signs from my friend. And whether they are or not really doesn’t matter because they bring me comfort which is making me become more and more sympathetic to religion everyday. Everything could be complete coincidence but, when I see certain “signs” it doesn’t matter because they bring me peace. The issue is when my OCD catches hold of these superstitions. Which brings me back to 17.
17 was also H’s field hockey number and for so long I have always started at station 17 on my lab practical (or else I would fail) or put myself 17th on a list just to be there because it feels right. So to prove to myself that nothing bad will happen I’m going to post this episode as 18. A little exposure never hurt nobody.
I miss H. I miss her everyday. She inspires me. She has made me a better person. And she is one of the reasons I want to be a nurse. There’s so much to thank her for is unbelievable and I feel like no matter where I end this episode it will feel too soon. I like to talk about her. I like to think she’s still here. I would do anything to see her again. I wish I could relive one of the days she was still here over and over again. To be completely honest I’m not sure I really like the world without H in it. But I’ll stay here and fight and live because I know that’s what she would have wanted.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
