To love and be loved. That’s all anyone really wants right? I just feel like I’m unlovable.
My friends are gorgeous incredible people and are able to find people who like them at a drop of a hat. Me? I can’t get a second look. I’m envious of my friends and it’s an ugly feeling. I want for them the best in life and they deserve it, it’s just hard to see others get what you want. Especially when you are so alone to begin with.
It’s not enough for someone to tell me that it’ll be ok or that I’ll find someone someday. That doesn’t help and actually it’s fucking annoying. I just want someone to love me, to be attracted to me. I’m trying to lose the weight, I’m trying to clear my skin, but how do I make my personality prettier. You can’t conceal that shit. I’m jealous, that makes me so ugly and it makes me hate myself which makes me more jealous, it’s an endless cycle.
This post won’t have an ending that is at all satisfactory and honestly that’s what I’ve been dealing with. I goto bed feeling this heavy burden on my chest and I wake up with the same feeling, no relief. And I try to reach out but there’s nothing anyone can say or do.
I would never ask someone to put their life on hold for me or to not pursue something because I’m miserable or it makes me sad. I’m sick in the brain, it’s turning against itself. All I can do is cry. All I’ve done is cry. My inner monologue has been a constant loop of “you’re not good enough” and I’m starting to believe it. Maybe I’ll only ever be able to have unrequited love. It’s exhausting but, maybe It’s the reason why I’m on this planet still, to give all I can until I can’t anymore. I just hope I realize when I’m finally spent.
Or maybe boys and relationships shouldn’t be the most important thing in our lives. It could be possible that that’s just what’s surrounding me right now. It could be possible that I’m putting so much pressure on this aspect of my life simply because everyone is talking about it all the time. It’s possible that it’s not the thing I should be focusing on right now. But, it’s also possible that that doesn’t change the fact that I’m miserable and that sucks.
Even Strong people struggle, maybe that’s what makes them strong. And sometimes the Lead doesn’t need a romantic lead but, sometimes it’s nice that’s all.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
