Oh look it’s that time again! The time I start hating myself. It happens throughout the day in spurts and then finally I’ll get that “3 o’clock feeling” where my depression decides to hit me like a brick and progresses into the night, getting worse by the minute.
I do stupid shit, I apologize for everything, and I feel so insecure. At this time of day I’d rather be dead.
So, why is it that just after lunch time this lump in my stomach forms alongside a feeling of hatred toward myself?
It could be neurobiology. My brain releases hormones at this time of the day or something.
It could be my medications wearing off. This because I take them at 7am so maybe the extended release just stops releasing.
Or it could be exhaustion. I get so tired that my defenses weaken and I cannot fend of the demon anymore.
The cause is important because I can’t keep living like this. I need to know the problem before I can figure out the solution. Getting more sleep is an easy solve that I’m attempting. I’m also eating better and kinda exercising. But the big change that most like needs to be addressed is a medication change (dun dun dun).
If you have never been on a psychiatric medication, lucky you. I, however, fall into the approximate 16.7% of Americans that take prescription psychiatric medications and I have been for about nine years. I have taken a variety of different drugs and been to at least 3 psychiatrists that I can remember and no matter if it was an antidepressant, an antipsychotic, a sedative, or a stimulant; nothing is worse than the discomfort and anxiety that can result from a med change. Your body can react poorly given you horrible side effects. Your mind could also, sometimes making you worse and not to mention just hoping that the insurance company covers at least part of it. It’s a lot of stress, as any change is, but it always ends up better on the other side. There’s always something else we can try if one med doesn’t work. Or at least that’s why my psychiatrist says as she encourages me to not lose hope.
I have an appointment in a little under a week where I will bring up what’s been going on with me. I have some options I’ve been looking into such as the new Ketamine infusions or adding some sort of birth control. I just hope something works because I’m tired of being afraid when the clock keeps ticking. It makes me want to just stop it all completely. I’m safe, I have supports, and I’m sure I’ll update you soon on any changes. I don’t know if anyone reads these or ever will but, thanks.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
