And just like that I’m unemployed.
My last shift as a tech on the psych unit was eventful and kinda emotional. One of my favorite nurses bought me a cookie cake reading “good luck, you’ll be missed” and then later tried to buy me lunch because she wanted to make sure I knew I was appreciated. I was blown away by all of this. I texted Captain saying “I got hugs from ppl I didn’t know gave a shit I’m shocked but I guess u never know how u impact ppl” he responded with “Oh yeah well I could’ve told you that you were making a huge impact on people lol, that’s kinda your thing” and it got me thinking. First of all that Cap is a good friend so, thank you for not letting me think I’m a terrible piece of shit all the time. But, why did I really think no one would care that I was leaving? I know my self-esteem is low but, I just would have never ever expected for any reaction at all. I worked their for a year and a half, in a job where often times our lives could have been in danger or at least it was high stress, of course we got close. But, me being someone who was per diem and only working 4 hour shifts most of the time, I figured I would fade into the background. But, I was complemented on my work ethic and on being one of the only people who really did their job here and that I did well with patients. This meant so much because through everything I am proud of how I treated my patients with dignity and respect and I learned this from my favorite nurses on the floor and I tried to instill that in any tech I was orienting. Again I have to keep remind myself it was time to leave, it’s not because I couldn’t do and it’s not because I wasn’t good at it, it was just time.
And as much as I will miss some of my coworkers, I will not miss the horrible memories of that place. The violence of what happened when that patient got into the nurses station and attacked our staff still is evident by the marks around the key hole where I tried frantically to unlock the door to get to my team to help but due to the stress, I kept missing. The indents of my frantic attempts will be there forever, quite similar to the memory of what happened.
I realized recently that I’ve been having nightmares. Not ones that I could remember at first but, when I got back to work after medical leave I had such serious anxiety and flashbacks of things that didn’t happen. Then I took this nap and woke up in the middle of one and realized what was going on. I had been avoiding sleep so much recently but, I didn’t think there was a real reason but, turns out my subconscious was trying to protect itself from being able to run free. Hopefully they will subside as I get further and further away from my time there but, in the mean time sleep feels more like a job than a relief.
I believe that I learned all I could during my time at the psych unit. It’s nice to know you will be missed and it’s nice to know people cared but, It’s time for me to keep pushing forward in my recovery and due to my job being in psych I felt like it was kinda holding me back. I was afraid of judgment and oversharing, but now I’m free, unemployed and broke, but free.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
