Wow...hi so a lot has happened.
I was just discharged from the Adult Partial Hospitalization Program after 8 days of treatment. I feel good not great, but good and I’m ready to take on the chaos in my head without the schedule. I can do it. I should probably explain how this all went down though.
After my episode at my family cabin (that is best explained in episode 38) I was referred to mobile crisis team by Jazz so that they could get me an intake appointment for the Partial Program. Mobile Crisis trumps any other referral so, my case being time sensitive due to school and work we decided to take advantage of the system. (I already feel guilty about this but, I did what I had to do)
I had my intake appointment on a Thursday and then started treatment on the following Monday. The weekend in between was actually very good considering everything that’s been happening. All of my close friends treated me like nothing was different which was the goal. The only person that kinda acted like he wanted to say something was someone we will call Connor. Connor is a friend of Captain’s but also was dating Olive for a time so, when Olive magically arrived at the cabin that night, it turns out it wasn’t magic it was Connor. It wasn’t until I had come down from my panic attack but I do recall him standing in the door way but, nothing more. Anyway, we went to the cabin the following weekend as I had been hoping for and Connor was one of the first to arrive. While I was unloading stuff from my car he was kinda just hovering around me and asking if I needed help. This isn’t weird on the surface but, if you were there you would be able to feel that he wanted so badly for me to say something. He wanted to open the door but, didn’t know how and I was just so glad that I had barricaded that door. I appreciated that he cared but, at the time I was running on empty and needed everything to just go smoothly. He eventually calmed down and had a good time once he saw no one else was treating me different. Unfortunately him and Olive didn’t work out but, I know both of them will find incredible partners someday and they are good friends also.
When Monday rolled around and it was day one of Partial I was nervous but, ready. I was nervous mostly to see a former patient but, once I got past that fear I became ready to get back on the road to recovery. I met with the Nurse Practitioner to talk about meds and this was a really hard meeting. I told her about my medications and my tapering plan and that was no problem but, when it came to explaining my symptoms of OCD she was not so receptive. She was very unconvinced by my definitions of my disorder and at one point I literally said “I feel like I’m defending my diagnosis right now,” and she immediately back-peddled and dropped it but, I’m sure my perceived “hostility” is what helped us with the next piece.
Day one ended and I didn’t get to see a therapist which sucked. Without meeting your therapist you can’t make a care plan; and without a care plan you can’t be discharged. At the time I was still operating under the concept that I was only going to do a five day stint so, this was time sensitive. I was angry the rest of the day after partial for whatever reason but, I stuck it out. I went to interpersonal group and expressed this anger. Anger about literally everything from the challenging of my diagnosis by the NP to survivors guilt from loosing my best friend to brain cancer who clearly wanted and deserved life more than I. It was cathartic.
Day two is where this really became messy. So, at the beginning of the day I goto my group therapist and I ask “do you know if I’m going to see my therapist today?” She states she doesn’t know but, can find out for me. So I wait and wait and the problem isn’t really the not seeing my therapist I don’t care about that it’s not knowing WHEN. If you give me a time I can work with that. My brain can plan to that and although I should be doing exposure exercises and building my distress tolerance, I felt like if there was a time where I didn’t have to follow all of my therapy rules it was now. I needed to speak up in order to not suffer. So, I asked group therapist again and she said she hadn’t gotten to it yet and that it might even be pushed another day but, didn’t know when. I then asked a different group therapist and she told me to goto the front and ask the secretary to 1. Find out who my therapist even was and 2. To get a message to her. When this message finally went through I was told after lunch I was first up on the docket. When I went to go sit back down in group I felt guilty and annoying and had the compulsion to write a letter to my group therapist apologizing for being annoying. I realized this was a cognitive distortion and decided that the letter would be giving into a compulsion and trying to undo the damage that most likely wasn’t even there. Seeing that this was a classic OCD thought trap, I thought that it would be good to write down the thought process since the staff was having trouble understanding my diagnosis. So, I wrote it out. It was a series of arrows leading from the initial discomfort of the unknown to the obsession of not knowing when I was going to see my therapist to the compulsion to ask and then the obsession of feeling annoying to the compulsion to apologize. A normal trap I’m used to, classic OCD. Unfortunately my therapist had a different idea.
As soon as I was pulled from group to go talk with the therapist, who we will call Debra, I had this weird hostile feeling. She didn’t show much emotion on her face at all and almost as soon as we sat down it felt like she had a preconceived idea of me. One that was not very positive. She kept telling me to slow down when talking to her and then she would stop me and say things like “let me just make sure I’m understanding” and then state what I said in a slightly different context. What I mean by that is she would basically turn whatever normal thing I was saying into a symptom. But, it wasn’t a symptom of my diagnosis of OCD but, one of Borderline Personality Disorder.
I realized about 10 minutes into the conversation that her questions were extremely guided, almost like she was asking them based on a confirmation bias. In her mind, my obsessive asking to meet with her was a lack of boundaries and what I experience at work with my coworkers was all just perceived and my problems self-created. She topped it off by ending our conversation with “if I don’t get a chance to meet with you tomorrow it’s nothing against you and if I see you in the hallway and I don’t say hi it’s not because I don’t like you, there’s just a lot going on.”
I left this conversation angry and confused. I had a call with Jazz (my therapist on the outs) later that night and she almost immediately apologized for not warning me about the re-diagnosis issue. Turns out whenever she sends a patient to partial with “Thought OCD” without the stereotypical obsession/compulsion they always try to re-diagnose them but, she said that my case was different because usually the patients get mad at her for misdiagnosing them instead of partial and I was livid with partial. As someone who lives with OCD I am constantly clinging onto reality. When I was diagnosed it answered one of the many questions that nag at me on the daily. That’s why when this was challenged, my reality was challenged and as someone coming for help you would think they would be more cautious. But, after talking to Jazz I felt better. I realized I cannot and will not rely on this therapist at partial or any care plan to get better. I would go, participate in my groups, and practice my skills. This was all well and good until I actually got my care plan.
My Care plan meeting was short and to the point. I went in with Debra and she said “We’re going to focus on your depression and anxiety here.” I was like okay knowing it didn’t matter what she thought my OCD is real and I just had to get through this meeting so I could go back to work. I signed the damn thing and didn’t read it until the next day when I was looking for a discharge date. That’s when I saw it. Under diagnosis it read “Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Mixed Personality Disorder” MIXED PERSONALITY DISORDER ARE YOU KIDDING?!?! There isn’t anything wrong with a personality disorder diagnosis as long as it fits the person! But, I have very secure attachments and am able to create boundaries with others with those being two main symptoms of personality disorders and I’m good with both, I don’t know how we jumped to this conclusion. But, my real issue was that she didn’t mention it. She specifically mentioned the anxiety and depression and said that’s what we were to focus on and didn’t mention the personality disorder at all. Seemed shady to me, if I was more paranoid I would feel betrayed but, instead I just was pissed. I tried to get an appointment with her the day I found it but, she was out of the office so I had to wait until Monday. Once I did meet with her Monday I was very assertive and explained how much it upset me she just glossed over that huge piece of information. She apologized and said she was taking it off anyway because after gaining clarity for Jazz she realized her mistake. I was content with this answer. We then decided that I was going to be able to leave after 8 days instead of the normal 10 because I was doing well and because my family was on vacation and I deserved to go too. I was done with Debra at this point too. This is because during check-in group that day I explained that I had gone to a party the weekend before and knew I couldn’t drink during Partial so, I stayed sober and felt proud because I had made a sober pact with my buddy from group, who we can call Craig, and we both were able to do it without feeling guilty for saying no to so many people. After explaining all of that they gave me a piss test because they didn’t trust me. I was even more angry but, didn’t want to be marked down as deviant so I took the piss test and moved on with my day. When I told Craig I got the pee slip (the paper that tells you you have been required to give a sample) he was like “you?!?” And I completely relate to the confused. But, anyway I did it and *shocker* I’m clean.
One other part worth mentioning is what happened on my last day. One of my biggest fears was to run into a former patient from my job at the hospital during my time recovering at partial. By the last day I thought I was in the clear until I was sitting in the waiting room area (the only place you can use your phone) and heard a woman talking about an incident that happened while she was inpatient at the hospital I worked at. Immediately my ears perked, my face got hot and my stomach began to tie itself into a knot as she described quite callously the incident that I experienced at work (explained in episode 24) when a patient injured several staff members. I was shook up after that because I didn’t remember the patient explaining the story at all and I don’t know if she recognized me but, she knew what happened in graphic detail and to hear it relayed back to me was so so difficult.
After all of that it’s hard to believe that I really did get so much out of Partial. I met three people there that I was hoping would contact me after discharge but, never did. This is okay though honestly, it’s life and I just wish them the best some people don’t feel comfortable with recovery friends. But, you best believe in my future movie or tv show “the sad boyz,” as I lovingly named them, will make an appearance.
And, during my post discharge phone session with Jazz, I made a major decision. I decided that my time working as a tech at the hospital impatient psychiatric unit was over. It was not an easy decision, and it wasn’t necessarily for my mental health in the sense that it would be damaging if I stayed. It was more that my life could be freer without it and the feeling that quitting could mean I was “letting people down” would be great exposure therapy. I still feel guilt but, I’m living with it. And I’m also reframing this idea from “I couldn’t do it” to “I could and I was good at it but, is it worth it?” Now I will be able to do more volunteering in the community and studying of course. My parents are on board and although I haven’t told my old teacher from high school that helped me get the job, I have to remember I must do what’s best for me and if that means letting her down that’s okay.
So, yeah. Also on top of all of this Captain has officially started his road trip to his new college in California. Saying goodbye to him was tough and it hadn’t really hit me until tonight but, I’m so happy for him and can’t wait to visit him soon. I’m on vacation with my family right now, we leave for home tomorrow. I surprised them in such a magnificent way it was awesome. It was a great trip although it was short and I just always wish I had more time. Endings are no fun for me so, I’m pushing through using my skills. I’m finally becoming proud of me, hope you are too.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
