Cue the sound of a teenager not getting their way “it’s just not fair!!” But, my quarrel is not with my parent over if I can use the car tonight, it’s something a bit bigger.
Since I can remember, I’ve had a strong sense of justice. Something that pulls on my heart strings when I see something not quite right. The truth is that it keeps me up at night. The big macro issues of the world seem to rest themselves on my shoulders even though they have no place there. I often seem to be swallowed by the weight of the world, all of the injustice, all of the illness, all of the violence.
I used to have a fantasy of saving the world as a child. Curing cancer, evading capture, donating an organ, defusing bombs, I couldn’t control the world around me so, I created one that I could help.
Unfortunately, as I have aged have lost primary access to this world leaving me only with glimpses of it in my dreams and the harsh reality of the true world, the one you and I share.
Today, this world lost some light as inspirational speaker and warrior Claire Wineland passed away. I found a lot of comfort in Claire’s words and teachings and have been following her story closely as she embark on the journey of lung transplant that ultimately ended in her death. People often feel a strange connection to celebrity’s and public figures and Claire was that for me. I will never stop reading her quotes and watching her videos because they have brought me such strength.
And then there’s sweet Carrie. My mother’s best friend who has been a part of my life since I can remember. Carrie has been battling cancer for years now and we found out today that she will be going into hospice care. My mom called me and told me...my mother is incredible at handling these things. I want so badly to have that same strength she does. My mom will stay with Carrie at the hospital until her daughter gets there. I worry about my mom but, I know she can handle it. It is so very hard to see her in pain though.
Carrie is a magnificent human being. An incredible mother, teacher, friend, wife and so much more. She has always had no problem making me laugh and making sure I don’t take myself too seriously. We need more people like Carrie in this world, we need more people that are even a little like Carrie in this world. There are people that are just so good, kind, and strong that you want to protect them at all costs. I wish I could protect Carrie at all costs. Her imprint on my life is evident to me in the way I treat others. Carrie gave anyone a chance that needed it and I have attempted to be open in that way also. No one is not worth the time to listen. Her situation has been touch and go for so long now but, sometimes you can’t hold your breath any longer. The world is unfair.
I am not good at blocking the world out. I have no filter in that way. I’m very empathic to a point I can feel others pain. I’ve always been jealous of those who have the filter. People my age that goto college and are able to party even though they have a test coming up that same week or there’s a natural disaster going on in the world are living healthier and arguably more extensive lives. I get paralyzed by tragedy at times and it worries me that I won’t be able to be a good nurse because of it. Maybe I will be able to get passed it if I knew there was nothing more I could have done. If I at least did something. It’s hard to live with something when you didn’t/can’t do anything about it. I want you to know it’s something I think about though and I know other do also. I’m not naive...patients don’t all survive and I can’t save everyone (arguably you can’t save anyone). So, you may ask then “why nursing?” more specifically, “Why pediatric intensive care? Won’t it be hard to take care of kids that sick if you are paralyzed by tragedy?” And maybe it will be too much for me and maybe I’ll have to change my path. But, for now I feel that is what I want to do and the reason for it is best summed up by a Claire Wineland quote:
“I hope you know that people who suffer most in life actually have the most to give.”
I believe that. That is why I want to be a nurse and that is why I want to confront tragedy head on.
I hope some day to be the light in others lives the way people are for me. Not even on a global scale like Claire or a community one like Carrie or my friend H. Just one person. I hope I bring light to just one person. This isn’t a prompt for people to start telling me that I’m a damn ray of sunshine or anything, it’s just a goal of mine in the future. I don’t think I’m even capable or qualified to be a light source right now anyway. I need to cultivate that light inward for a while and give it to myself before I can truly give it to anyone else. I’m working on it though. Someday, I’ll be able to be a damn ray of sunshine.
I’m sending love to Claire’s Family, sending love to Carrie and hers too. Hug your loved ones close and another Claire quote to end it:
"Go enjoy your life. Really. I mean that seriously. Go enjoy it, 'cause there are people fighting like hell for it."
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
Donate to Claire’s Foundation:
http://clairesplacefoundation.org/
Watch Claire’s Ted Talk:
Watch the Soul Pancake’s Documentary on Claire:
