Warning: a rambling train of thought fueled by grief it probably makes no sense
Today, September 15th, is your birthday.
I’m scared. I’m scared of time passing and memories fading and my OCD is questioning everything I’ve ever had with you or of you. I’m afraid it was all a lie. This cognitive distortion is telling me I’m fake and I’m awful and I’ve never been helpful and you never loved me. And then I stop myself. I take deep breaths between the tears. And I remember the way we talked and the way we laughed. And the way you weren’t afraid of me and all my flaws and I wasn’t afraid of you or your illness and I hold on to that because that was our connection. But, also as much as I mourn you and all you were to me, I mourn what you were to the world. Our friends, our community, you changed them for the better. The way everyone talks about you. It’s amazing H it is. I mourn for them. I feel it so much, it’s not my place to mourn for them but I do. I also mourn for the people that didn’t get a chance to meet you. They will never know what they missed, I mourn for them. I’m afraid of this time passing. Im afraid of disappointing you although I know in my heart that’s not possible. I know you just want me to be happy. But, then I stop myself asking how do I know. My OCD tells me that I’m making this all about me. It’s your birthday. So I spend every night of September 14th into the early morning of September 15th crying and trying to compose myself so I can be positive when the sunrises and the rest of the world feels what I feel. I don’t have to do it...but I want to. It’s what you would do. I wish you were here obviously. I wish you were here instead of me most times. It makes me hate myself for not wanting this life sometimes. I just know you would do so much with it. But, I’m gonna keep fighting. Because I want to amplify you and your kindness. I want to create and give things to this world although it’s the same one that took you away.
I’m laying on the floor looking up at the ceiling, nose so stuffy I’m mouth breathing, lips chapped, eyes wet but contacts dry, stomach having that feeling of crying the weird hunger it feels after you’ve been sobbing. Almost a burning in your gut trying to remind you to keep yourself alive even during this sadness. None of this feels real. I know everyone says it but, I want to wake up and it not be real. It feels like my memories are fading because I’ve tried remembering them so many times. Is that possible? I’m not sure. I’ve said it before but you were a gift to this world and now all I want to do is give you a gift to commemorate today. You would have been 22. You might have been a senior in college and we could have been being dumb and posting some caption quoting the Taylor Swift song. We loved to be basic like that. You are so loved still. I feel it. That’s one of the things that will never fade. People on this earth love you. I love you. I’m going to go blow my nose now and prepare for what today will bring. Today I want to celebrate you and I hope I get the chance. I hope I can be stronger than my distortions today. Today is about you and the way you impacted others. I’m going to curl up with the blanket that was yours that your mom gave to me when I came home from college when my mind was so so sick. It brought me comfort then and I think it will now. And as this rambling message of despair and hope comes to a close there’s only one thing I can really say and that’s Happy birthday angel.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
