TW: Self-harm, Suicidal Ideation
I have this jaw pain from clenching my teeth. I do it constantly. When I’m sleeping, when I’m trying to not cry, when I smile, when I do actually cry, when I’m scrolling through Instagram, when I’m texting a friend. Teeth clenched so hard it causes headaches. Trying to keep it all in and all together. No letting go. Just keep it together one more day. But, until when?
I started seeing a new psychiatrist last week. It was time. He started asking me about my history, basically “what’s your deal?” But, in a way more eloquent way. He ended up giving me the depression screening to see where I was at...I scored very high. I hadn’t realized how bad it had been. How little motivation I had to do much of anything. The intrusive self harm thoughts had become more active more recently. But, it felt like the heat had just been being turned up little by little I couldn’t feel the difference, my jaw clenched harder and harder. Until here we are in a depressive episode that makes me feel so trapped again, burning inside out. I’m at the mercy of my mind. After I got the high score on the depression screening it made me more aware of my thoughts. It gets dark. It feels unmanageable. I’m having trouble sleeping, the thoughts are aggressive and violent. I want to talk to someone and yet I say nothing at all. I don’t see a future, it’s cloudy again.
And people have been noticing. At work “you’re not your chipper self” or “do you need a hug?” are just a few of the things coworkers have said to me that’s notified my brain that I need to do a better job at hiding my emotions. I can’t be seen as emotional, I’ll lose this job for sure. So, I clench my teeth.
The new psychiatrist is suggesting an antidepressant change. I would normally be against this as it has been widely known that I believed my Pristiq is a tried and true and the only thing that works. But again after reaching top of the leader board with my depression screening score, maybe it’s not working as well as I thought. It’s scary and heartbreaking. However the day to day I’m currently living is not sustainable. I’m pushing away friends and family, I can’t trust anyone, all the progress I’ve made feels undone. Coming out of quarantine seems scarier than staying in. Every social interaction feels like so much work. I feel stuck...teeth clenched.
I’m still here though. Sometimes I don’t want to be but, I’m fighting so hard for a future I can’t see. It’s foggy and scary. I don’t know who will be standing next to me, who will have left me behind, or who I will have grown out of. I can’t control any of that.
All I can control is this reminder: relax your jaw, take a deep breath.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
