As nurses, we sign up for the pain that comes with new diagnosis, worsening prognosis, and ultimately passing away. But, just because we signed up for it doesn’t make us immune to the emotion. We feel every second, absorb it. Never does it become easier, just more familiar. Giving yourself the permission to feel and talk out those feelings is the only way you can truly have a long career in nursing without burnout in my opinion.
Nurses often experience “Disenfranchised grief” which is simply defined on Wikipedia as “grief that is not acknowledged by society.” When a patient passes we are not often given the same opportunities for closure, the same support, or the validation that is needed to get through that trauma. Because yes we signed up for it. We signed up to treat these people like our family. To try to make them well, to make them comfortable. We signed up for the pain that sometimes comes at the end of the journey but, it’s because we recognize the importance of every moment in between. Whether you take care of a patient for one shift or fifty, losing them is difficult. Validating that reality will help keep nurses in the field and is good for their mental health. Telling them what they did mattered and they did a hell of a good job. Which on my unit is often the case.
We just lost a long term patient who truly was one of the most incredible people I have ever met. This patient and his family have been living on the unit for half of my nursing career. And we had to say goodbye. The unit rallied around this family in an incredible way and it truly united us. It feels as if we lost a family member ourselves. There were tears, and they were welcomed as long as it didn’t effect your work. Leadership converted one of our closets into a “therapeutic space” which of course we just referred to as the “cry room,” with a rocking chair, great smelling lotion, a rug that my coworker said looked like a flattened sombrero, and a fake fern. It was very nice and I feel it was a great intervention to try to “re-enfranchise” our grief.
We reminisced about the great memories we had made. Texts were sent making sure everyone was hanging in there. The grieving has only just started but, it started in a healthy way in my opinion.
I could invalidate myself and say that I signed up for this, so I need to suck it up. But, at the end of the day when I tell people what I do for my profession I often get “I don’t know how you do it” or “that’s so hard” so, there’s a reason why others don’t become a part of this. It’s hard but, the reason why it’s so hard is because our jobs are to make memories in the moments in between. In between the medications, the chemo, and the procedures we love them through it all. That’s why it hurts because nurses are humans, we love these patients and their families and getting the opportunity to know and grow with them makes the pain that much harder but, also “worth it” in a sense. I wouldn’t trade my time with this kid and his family for the world and I don’t know any of my coworkers that would.
We lost a friend. So, I will grieve. I’ll cry and call my coworkers and eat fast food. I’ll write as I’m doing now. I’ll try to begin the healing. Because unfortunately there will be another new diagnosis walking through that door and I need to be ready to make every moment matter, help them fight there disease and hopefully beat it. I need to be ready for that because that’s what I signed up for. I signed up to fight for these children and that’s what I’m going to do.
I’ll end with a quote from Winnie the Pooh:
“How Lucky I Am To Have Something That Makes Saying Goodbye So Hard”
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
