Hello blog ready for post two? If you have ever wondered what it's like to live with OCD keep reading because the overthinking I'm doing right now is CLASSIC OCD behavior and it makes sense because at its core OCD is a thought disorder.
So basically I had a great night out with friends at a local restaurant. We all had a great time and then right at the end of the night I said something. ONE THING that I second guessed and now I can't think about anything else. This night will be overshadowed by the last thing I said and it wasn't even that big a deal. I basically told a friend that he owed me a coffee date because he had to bail last time we scheduled. It was supposed to be in a teasing manner and I thought it was but it came out kinda cringey and now it's all I can think about. This happens a lot where I say something I regret and it happens to many people but most people can let it go. Meanwhile, I'm still stewing over when I called this guy at work "her" on complete accident a few months and he probably doesn't even remember it.
So, what if my friend was weirded out what's the worst thing. I'm embarrassed right that's it? That's the logical answer my answer is much more complicated. It involves "he'll never talk to me again" and "he will think I'm so weird" and "I hate myself" just spinning around and around until I'm sick to my stomach over a two second interaction. My OCD doesn't want me to feel safe or comfortable and just as I was starting to it threw a curve ball. I'm handling it better than I used to that's for sure but I haven't found the coping strategy to fix that feeling in my gut of shame for nothing. This "shame for nothing" concept also came up as I was talking to friends the other night too. I was talking about my school situation. I came home from my first college after a week because my OCD and anxiety were out of control and I had serious thoughts of ending my life. Going to school and being miserable was hard but coming home and dealing with the shame was worse. You would think that shame could prepare me for one two second interaction gone wrong but obviously we haven't learned.
Anyway that's just background information the real story is that I said out loud at the coffee shop the other night, different than two second interaction night, in front of my new college friends that the reason I came home from my first college was because I was experiencing severe anxiety and said the magic words that I wanted to kill myself so I became a liability to the school and sent me home. I said it nonchalantly and didn't think much of it until after it came out of my mouth. I'm not ashamed of what happened but I felt shame for bringing it up in such a casual setting. That ate at me the rest of that night and the next day until I went to an event on suicide awareness that was held through a local National Alliance on Mental Illness Affiliate. The speaker there talked about stigma and how we perpetuate our own stigma. We stigmatize ourselves by not talking about it the way I did at the coffee shop. I spoke to him after and explained what happened and he was so validating and understanding he said something along the lines of as soon as we present ourselves confidently others will feel more comfortable talking about it which in turn destroys stigma one person at a time. The shame melted away from me. Sure there were going to be some people that were rude and didn't understand but I'm sharing my story I'm not the one perpetrating stigma they are.
So tell me why I can talk about taboo things like suicidal thoughts in public and move on from it maybe even feel emboldened by it but, once I say something slightly cringey to a boy and I melt.
OCD man it's a confusing bitch.
- the girl with the green glasses
