Hello blog how are things? Haven't seen ya in a bit. You know who else I haven't seen? My therapist! I slept through my appointment this week unfortunately and was disappointed about it which may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people which is why I wanted to write this post.
I've been in therapy on and off since I was five. My mom is a recovering alcoholic and when she knew she needed to quit she wanted to find someone I could talk to. So, there I was at my first therapy appointment. I don't remember much of it except she made me cry and I didn't go back so it's no wonder why I was afraid of therapy until I got older. I know I started therapy again before 6th grade but I don't remember exactly when but, it had to be before 6th because that’s when I started being medicated (by my pediatrician then later a psychiatrist). This started my speed dating like expedition to find the right therapist...and it was arduous.
I would go for a while and not feel the connection that would motivate me to return and I'd just say that I was better. This cycle was pretty consistent until I got into high school and met my guidance counselor. She was not a mental health counselor or psychologist but she could have fooled me. She was and still is a wonderful part of my life. It was around this same time I found my psychiatrist and things seemed to be in harmony. I mean there were things that my guidance counselor couldn't do that a psychologist could but having been through the mill so many times I was happy to find anyone I could relate to. She ended up leaving my school my junior year and my senior year I had an amazing teacher that stepped in to help. All of these people stepped in this “therapist” position and they both contributed so much and still do but, unfortunately when I went to college then came home after a week due to my anxiety and depression (something I'm sure I'll address later in the blog) the role changed and required someone who knew a bit more about psychological disorders. This is where Jazz came in (Not her real name).
Jazz was a psychologist my dad found while he was doing his whole "we tried your mother’s way now it's my turn" deal. Thankfully it was a perfect fit and we have been working together for two years now. She truly has saved my life on many occasions and there is nothing I look forward to more than to sit down on her couch and talk and hear what she has to say.
I saw a meme the other day that was like "I couldn't go to therapy I don't know what I would talk about" and to that I say just try it when you find the right fit you won't be able to stop talking and that's what's happened to me and Jazz.
When I first started I was twice a week which is more than most people start with, then for a while it was once a week and most recently due to lack of need and scheduling, we have turned to every other week. If I didn't also have group therapy (yes I'm in group therapy too I liked therapy so much I wanted to do it with others) I don't know if I could survive but, my therapist is also available via email and call which has come in handy on nights when my OCD won't stop. However, what I've noticed is Jazz has given me the tools to get through a lot of panic. Yes, I know that's her job but she's hella sneaky about it. Being a therapy veteran I have in the past gotten good at telling therapists what they want to hear. It always lands me in emotional turmoil every time but we all avoid things at times and I'm no different. But, Jazz don't fuck with that. She is persistent and brilliant and has somehow made me a functional human being and I will thank her everyday for it. My therapist is my support system and I think everyone should have a Jazz in their lives but, I know they are hard to find. My biggest piece of advice is if you’re debating going to therapy, don't just go for one session. You won't know if it’s a good fit you don't go for at least two and if it's not that's fine there are plenty of therapists glad to listen one of which could be your Jazz.
By the way Jazz had a cancellation tomorrow so I'll be going in anyway but this post is still relevant!
Don't give up!
Find your Jazz!
- the girl with the green glasses
