I was turning onto campus today and didn’t see the black Volkswagen coming my way and scraped the fuck out of it with my gray subraru. I backed up and followed him into the parking lot where he and I exchanged info. Me shaking nearly in tears and him obviously peeved and with good reason. I didn’t see him, I just didn’t see him.
Car accidents suck, but as a friend pointed out their called accidents for a reason, they aren’t intentional. I’ve gone through all the necessary steps, contacted my insurance company etc. and along with the normal guilt that comes with something like this, my own thoughts have continued to beat down on me as well. I’m so worn emotionally from it, thankfully no one was hurt but I feel like I’m never going to live this down.
I keep reliving it over and over, the actual crash and the aftermath. I’m reading into everything he said and everything I did. One thing is, I have a lot of bumper stickers on my car and some are on my windows so I initially thought that was going to get me in trouble. And when I said “this is my first accident” he looked at me with that “really?!” face, probably referring to my car covered in adhesive pictures as if that is an indication of the kind of driver I am. I know I am making an assumption about him making an assumption, I make a lot of assumptions. But, at the end of the day I can’t help but walk around school feeling like everyone knows what happened and is judging me. Every look, every whisper, my brain immediately thinks they must know, he told them all. This of course is impossible and this feeling will fade over time but I can’t say that if I see him on campus the feelings won’t just come flooding back.
My car is obnoxious but I love it. The stickers represent parts of me and for someone who has a hard time identifying who they are it’s good to have something concrete like my car to come back to. I get embarrassed sometimes but usually shake it off because of how proud I am. What I’m not proud about is the damage I did today. My poor Subaru, the passenger door unable to open all the way, a quarter panel hanging off and the bumper not looking so hot either, I feel guilty. I just have to keep telling myself that accidents happen.
Another part is me, my health. I have a head ache and have had one all day since the accident. I was concerned that maybe I knocked something loose during the accident. My OCD started telling me I might be dying. After this initial thought and after stirring on it for a bit I was walking out of the mall and had a second thought, that I was glad I had returned the clothes I did. I was thinking that if I did die it would be one less thing for my family to deal with...who the fuck thinks like that. I don’t know but concussion or no, my headache is persistent but I didn’t hit it and I didn’t have dizziness or anything so I think I’m fine...hopefully.
I had another post planned for today that will most likely go up later this week. I just felt this was important to get out. I’m sad about my car and I’m terrified that the guy I hit is going to come after me or I’m gonna run into him at school or something, but the anxiety is manageable tonight. No one got hurt during the accident but, I’ll be feeling this mental exhaustion for weeks possibly, there’s no insurance for your mind unfortunately.
- the girl with the green glasses
