I know it’s very common to want what you can’t have. I get the psychology of it. But, when it comes to something like siblings it gets a bit more messy. I have a half sister and brother that are nine and eleven years older than me. We share a dad but, having been born a median of 10 years after them I really feel as if I had a different father. He had evolved a little bit (for better or for worse who knows) and I found it hard to relate to my siblings at times. I have a lot of regrets from growing up. I didn’t treat my sister the best even though she gave her all for me. She wants what’s best for me on my terms and I will never ever be able to express what that means to me. I have a lot of work to do on our relationship and I’m trying my best but, it comes down to what was the damage really? Will there always be that twinge of uncertainty between us? It’s hard to know but, it makes nights like these a lot more thought provoking.
I don’t remember the context but, I’ve mentioned my friend Amelia before. She’s truly one of the most incredible people I have ever met and although I know no family is perfect, when I’m with her and her brothers it just makes me feel like I’m a part of something. I think it’s because I’m not in it all the time so I don’t see everything but, it’s just so easy to forget about the stresses my family offers and be enveloped in a sibling hood like theirs. Since I’m not a sibling to them, there’s no old resentments to overcome, it’s so much less work.
Tonight we went to her youngest brothers football game. We made jokes on the sidelines, cheered him on, and most likely embarrassed him at times. It was what I assume the American dream is like. And it’s just that, a dream. The night always ends with me remembering that this isn’t my reality, I feel guilty for stepping in on their time together and then I feel guilt for neglecting my own family to go play pretend in someone else’s. It’s like so many sitcoms where the kid “runs away from home” and then realizes that homes where they belong all along. But, for me it’s not finding out home is where I belong it’s remembering that I don’t belong in their home. I’ll snap back into reality and say my bittersweet goodbyes to Amelia and her family, and then I’ll drive home.
I love my family very very much. I wouldn’t trade them for the world and I mean that seriously. Spending time with Amelia and her family just reminds me that I do want to keep putting work in with my siblings and cousins. It’s a wake up call. It’s easy to go live in others relationships because you are not doing any of the work. But with no work there’s no reward. Family is tough but, it’s worth it. The grass is always greener on the other side but I’m trying to make the grass greener under me. I cannot thank Amelia and her family enough and I would love to just stay, but there’s always a time to go home.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
