Who the fuck am I? What am I doing? How did I get here?
The past three weeks have been some for the record books. I’ve been messy and unhealthy and my mental health took a deep dive.
All of this shittiness has led me to one incredible new goal:
I must accept I might end up alone.
I’m not saying this for pity and I don’t want the statistics. I’m saying this because I’ve realized that my fear of loneliness has driven me to make weird decisions, fucked up priorities, and changed the way I think and feel about myself.
It’s time that I started living my life instead of planning it.
There is so little we control in the world. How others perceive you is one of those things. But, how I perceive myself well that’s something I can work on.
This isn’t a message against all men saying fuck you or a feminist rant about how I don’t need no man because as epic as that would be that’s not where we’re at. I don’t have to think I’m the most amazing person. I can still change and grow but the version of me from December 13, 2018 is good enough for December 13, 2018.
I got advice from Doug about this (I know crazy) he basically gave me the classic you can love anyone else until you love yourself but, I really think it’s quite darker than that. I need to become okay with me because this may be all I end up with.
Over the past three weeks I will say though I’ve been thinking about romance and intimacy quite a bit. I find it interesting what my friends at four year colleges think of as a big deal in regards to intimacy versus what I do. It’s definitely a cultural thing. Colleges are where hookup culture began and where it thrives. Having never attended a four year like that I think of much smaller acts of kindness as intimacy. Getting someone flowers or cuddling on the couch seems way more meaningful to me than it would to someone at a four year who probably knows someone that goes home with a different girl every weekend. Ones not better than the other...just different. This whole concept of “late bloomer” has stuck with me ever since high school. I have a lack of experience in all the fun negative coping mechanisms (sex, drugs, rock n roll) but, am very familiar with deep emotional pain that usually comes with maturity. I got that shit hella early. I’ve heard I’ll be thankful for it later in life. That I’ve experienced a lot of my growing pain early on, but right now it just feels quite boring and sad. I don’t blame my friends for not being interested in my boring plant buying boy. Its very juvenile, but to me it’s important. I need to make sure that I don’t let others dictate what’s important in my world because, my world is unique.
So, I guess the price of maturity is loneliness. That’s expensive.
I can’t wait to see what December 14th me has to offer and how she compares to December 15th me etc. but, right now December 13th me needs to get some sleep and start tomorrow fresh. Can’t wait to learn how to accept loneliness...sounds fun?
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
PS
if you are looking for some new music to validate you Alessia Cara’s new album “The Pain of Growing” is out and phenomenal! My favorite song of it is “Easier Said” the chorus goes “Healing and patience are lovers. Don't place the blame on your heart just to make 'em stop. Just take your time to recover. Cause it's easier said, it's easier said than done” I’m going to get that shit tattooed on me someday.
