Depression is not easy to detect. I can’t measure it like a fever or my blood pressure. It’s hard to decipher just feeling down with something more serious. It could be the weather, it could be school, it could be a number of things but, nothing would be scarier than my chemicals becoming imbalanced again.
There’s not much to say about it I guess. Just a reminder that recovery isn’t just about successes. My recovery has been all over the place. But, I haven’t felt like myself since maybe last semester. I’m scared I’ll never get it back and I’m not even sure I know what “it” is. I’m trying not to worry but, I’m sad. I tear up quite often. I’m crying right now. My thoughts are relatively slow and trivial. Nothing significant that could explain the mood. But, the longer the mood stays like this the thoughts tend to follow. Everyday all day I find my self gritting my teeth as if just waking up and functioning is painful. I clench my jaw so hard it hurts. I’m doing it right now. I can feel the pressure right in from of my ear where the muscles of the jaw all attach.
I just feel like I’m always in crisis. There’s always something wrong with me. I’m afraid it’s going to become the new normal and people will stop caring. Not saying they have to be worried but, they could get tired of it because, shit, I am.
I want to switch my meds again. Ugh that sounds horrible but I feel like I want to go back on to the magic square pill that saved me years ago. Unfortunately though it might not even effect me anymore and I feel like instead of running away from this with pills I should sit with it but, I’m not sure what feelings I’m even sitting with.
Ok I’ll admit, I’m having a bit of a panic attack. I’m getting cold all over which is the new form my attacks have taken. It starts at my toes and travels then I end up shivering and crying. I usually put a winter hat on and fuzzy socks, pajama pants and a sweatshirt and get under my weighted blanket and just wait it out. Trying to fight it mentally/logically makes it worse, like quick sand.
It’s been happening a lot lately. Nothing bad enough to call my psychiatrist about but, it’s not good.
I’m fine, just blah. I don’t want to really talk to anyone but, I know I should. The burden thing is ringing in my ears. I gotta go get into my warm clothes almost like it’s riot gear and cozy up to wait out this panic attack. I’m not gonna call anyone but, I recognize that I should...I feel like that should count for something.
It’s been about 10 minutes since I felt the panic coming on and wrote that paragraph about it. And now I’m freezing and reporting to you live from under a weighted blanket. Was too cold to attempt to grab the second blanket that adds another 25 pounds to the equation. Winter hat down to fuzzy socks I’m in my gear. And the blanket H’s mom gave me after she passed bundled up in my arms. It’s been apart of my bed’s linens since I got it. It still smells like their house a little bit.
This will pass but, not til after I let it take its full course. If I try to fight it, it will just prolong the experience. So, I’m gonna go do that. My riot gear will remain for the entirety. I probably won’t even move for 15-20 minutes. Hope you’re hanging in there. I just want hugs from my favorite people. Makes the cold anxiety go away. Sorry this was rambling and whatever but, again I feel blah and flat. I’m not much fun. Ok time to go wait out the storm...
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
