There isn’t any mistaken this feeling...I’m pissed.
I have another episode half way done that I might post after this one about my post semester depression and how I have the motivation to write which means there’s some feeling I need to get out but, I can’t pinpoint it and it’s a kind of writer’s block that I haven’t experienced. But, that all changed with this new found hormonal bitch anger. Let me try to explain.
I’m pissed at myself for not listening to my own advice and for talking the talk but still walking the desperate walk.
I’m pissed at this boy for wasting my time.
I’m pissed at society for making me feel like I need to have a romantic social life at the age of 21 or else I’m lame. I know there’s an argument that those societal influences can only affect you if you let them but, to those people I say fuckkkk youuuuu because at the end of the day that’s just an invalidating thing people say to make themselves feel better about contributing to it.
And I’m pissed at myself for also pretending that none of this affects me.
So, what the fuck happened?
There was a boy who I thought was interested in me and after a few attempts to hang out and weird interactions we ended up with the conclusions stated in episode sixty: the price of maturity. I stopped caring deeply about this situation and attempted develop a “thank u, next” mentality while also not giving up on this boy. That’s when I realized my life is a joke.
After all my attempts and after I really dug into the not giving a shit and not playing games I messaged him a few times to hang out. All were met with a “my bad” and an excuse. Last night I was hit with the same “my bad” and I vowed to be done. He then messaged me attempting to make plans for the following night (today) which I responded to this morning with a “that sounds fun!” and then he responded with “actually sorry” and cancelling on me due to sleep deprivation and the need to go to sleep early (he decided this at noon). I’m not mad at him for not being interested in me. I’m mostly pissed I put so much effort into this after saying I don’t give a fuck. I’m pissed I lied to myself and didn’t deal with the fact that this sucks no matter what. To be dodged is a shitty feeling no matter what. WITH THAT BEING SAID. I can’t be wasting my time on this. I’m young and dumb and need to be spending time with my friends that are only home for a short period of time. I think part of me wanted to spend time with someone that doesn’t know what has been going on with me. Someone that doesn’t know I’m struggling or doesn’t know that I have a safety plan folded up in my wallet in case I become suicidal. Someone that doesn’t know I take medications to survive or go to two types of therapy every week to learn how to handle my thoughts. And that means I don’t want to be around someone who really knows me because all of that struggle is a big part of who I am. And that’s because I am still ashamed of all of it.
I’m ashamed that in a crowded room full of my favorite people I feel like I’m alone.
I’m ashamed that the best way to combat that feeling is to use physical grounding (sit close to someone, get a hug, whatever).
I’m ashamed at how weird that is and that I still haven’t told that to my friends because they might think its weird.
I’m ashamed that I call my friends and waste their time talking about the same thing over and over again.
I’m ashamed that I am paranoid and require validation all of the time.
I’m ashamed of how exhausting it is to be around me.
I’m ashamed at how selfish I’ve become during my time of crisis.
And shame is a powerful thing. Arguably more powerful than any feeling I can have towards a boy and it’s legitimately been running my life for a bit of time now. But, I am bigger than the shame. Someday I might find someone who is able to see all of me and see it through a romantic lens. And honestly, I shouldn’t settle for anything less.
So, we will take some advice from Ariana Grande of all people. We gotta shutdown this unhealthy concept of romance and learn from it. I’m young and have so much more time to make mistakes. Right now I need to focus on what is important. The people I care about are here now and although that stirs up a lot emotion, that cannot be emotion I suppress because that will lead to regret. Have a great holiday everyone and remember you deserve someone that knows you and loves you just the same.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
PS I’m probably gonna fuck up again but, at least I’ve fixed the writers block
