Historically, I have been very good at reading people. We have discussed this I think if not I’m fucking psychic so get on board. I’m kidding obviously but, I am very good at reading my friends and family. I often know what their motivation is for something before they do. It makes me seem like a know-it-all so I tend to keep it to myself. The issue is that most people don’t know why they are acting the way they are acting or if they do they are suppressing it. That’s if they are even aware of their actions at all.
It’s human nature and a protection method to believe that everything that happens around you is by your hand. This self-centered paranoia allows us to ignore how our actions may effect others. It’s natural, no one is doing it on purpose but, for someone like me it makes you easy to read but hard to interact with.
Ok so there’s this boy (save your ooohs and ahhhs this is not the romantic lead you’ve been looking for). My perception at this point is that we’ve been flirting in class. Now I know ok, don’t trust the bitch with a thought disorders perception or else you will end up in a very dark place but, just hear me out. We went to this party at a friends house. Flirting ensued (and I have checked with my sources and this has been confirmed) but, I still don’t think he’s into it. As soon as I try to make plans or whatever it just feels distant. It’s fucking confusing.
I’m not one of those people that gets hung up on a guy after he smiled at me and said my name once, you need to give me concrete evidence if you like me or else I will not believe it. But, this is something that I think might be flirting. I can’t read him. It’s driving me nuts.
Give me anyone else. Doug, Captain, Olive, Daisy, Amanda, Dakota, Cleo etc. I can read them. That sounds cocky but, especially the first four I’m pretty confident in my abilities. People I haven’t even gotten to know well I can figure it out. I once figured out there was a patients wife stealing narcotics from him just by listening to a 20 minute conversation. I make wild connections and I’m good at it. Sometimes it leads me into a dark spiral but, this time I’m just fucking stumped.
I don’t know if it’s this kid or the situation. My self-esteem might be so low that I just can’t even fathom him actually being into me. But, he’s certainly not making it easy and I’m too busy for this kind of challenge. Or maybe I’m just too scared of getting hurt. They aren’t mutually exclusive but, I have a feeling the second is effecting my behavior more than the first.
This post isn’t supposed to be some teenage girl’s diary entry about her crush although I see the similarities. I’m trying to explain that relationships (romantic or not) can and will be effected by mental health. Perception is everything in relationships. How we see ourselves and how we interpret others behaviors can in turn effect our own actions. So, when your perception is altered it makes relationships more difficult. It becomes much easier to sit back and watch life unfold, reading the room, predicting what might happen. Letting life go by makes you feel more in control than taking action and realizing that we truly are at the mercy of the universe most of the time.
Yikes.
My big fear in regards to this guy is maybe he doesn’t perceive what he’s doing as flirty. I don’t want to get get excited or too interested just to find out my perception was off. I’ll keep trying to understand even if the book feels like it’s upside down and backwards. I can’t start assuming shit yet I’m only on chapter one but, if you know the ending feel free to clue me in. I do have to say though this kid is very interesting and complicated. If he was a book he’d be a bestseller for sure.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
