I’ve got some big time avoidance going on. I’m sleeping more, eating like shit, and distracting my mind with marvel movies instead of dealing with the fact that I feel sad and unwanted in every way possible. These ways include but are on limited to Romantically, Platonically, Professionally and Universally and although these “labels” don’t quite make sense grammatically we’re just gonna go with it.
Romantically
I’ve been on and off dating apps like Tinder and Bumble a few times now. I took it too seriously the first time I downloaded it, feeling weird and wigging out anytime anyone messaged me. The second time I didn’t take it seriously enough and kinda used it as a way to quantify my attractiveness to the opposite sex. This could have worked to show that someone would find me attractive until my brain just told me that I was using pictures that didn’t look like me and that was the reason they were swiping. I chatted but never met anyone in person but, although my friends say I didn’t, I did attempt to meet people just not with as hard as I should have. This third time though is different (so I told myself) I used less selfies and more funny pictures and really tried to be more like me. But, it’s not really working. I did match with this one kid I went to high school with. He has one of those names where you feel obligated to say his first and last name together like a compound word. We matched on both apps and I messaged him on bumble where we exchanged 3 messages before he ghosted. My second attempt with him came in the form of an interesting fact about Paraguay and their rules on dueling and this caught his attention but did not keep it for after only a few exchanges he was gone again. I wasn’t upset or offended it’s just one of those things it throws you off a tad but I’ll get back on the horse. In the mean time I’m chronically single with no signs of relief and because I’m learning about nursing diagnosis’ in school I thought I would make one up for this situation:
Chronically single with no hopeful candidates related to complete lack of confidence and self-esteem
Platonically
Friends are so fucking complicated, or at least the ones I make. I was going to write an entire post about how I hurt a friend and how even if it’s completely unreasonable you should still feel sorry because you hurt them but I’m not so sure anymore. What I’m coming to terms with is that I find people that need me in a friendship because that’s the only way I think they won’t leave and that’s also how I quantify my friendships making them tangible. This back fires on me consistently though because the friendship becomes unbalanced and often times I collapse under the pressure or become a punching bag. It’s not all of my friends by any means but what I’m realizing is people can just enjoy your company. You don’t need to wow them or flaunt it. It can be as simple as asking how they are, nothing extravagant. I’m learning for sure and keeping my jealousy and insecurities in check as my friends make other friends growing their social webs. What I’m trying to remember is that that means my social web is expanding too. But, the worst is getting left out by groups of friends that you know every piece of. I’m going to write a whole other post about this but, it’s just so painful to know all your friends are hanging out without you and you didn’t even get the invite. The nursing diagnosis for this one would read:
Inability to maintain a healthy friendship related to lack of understanding of how the fuck to measure “healthy”
Professionally
I’ve been at my job for about a year now and I love it most of the time. But, what I don’t love is the complete lack of recognition I get for being as good at it as I am. I’m definitely not the best my low self of esteem would never let me think that but I constantly feel like some staff members think poorly of me because I ask questions and care so much about the rules and staying consistent. It’s whatever I guess I just wish that there were better ways to get answers then asking humans that can judge you for asking. Nursing diagnosis:
Lack of Confidence in job performance related to lack of validation and understanding by some coworkers
Universally
Ok, I know it’s dramatic but feeling as if you belong in your own skin and in the universe is a very important part of the human experience! Or at least my human experience. For some reason I feel this discomfort wherever I am. Like, in my apartment it doesn’t feel like mine or my car or my shoes just everything is off and I can’t seem to figure it out. I think that as of late I am so insecure with where I’m going to end up or if I was going to get into my program that now that I am here I feel like I don’t even deserve it. This is related to my self esteem and my fraud complex but it’s becoming more and more of a thought in my mind; growing like a snowball rolling down a hill. But, I digress knowing full well I sound dumb. Diagnosis:
Discomfort within own skin related to crippling anxiety (technically crippling anxiety doesn’t work there but I don’t care)
With all of these diagnoses and problem staring me in the face it’s no wonder why I want to hide away. But, that’s not how life works. They pull the covers off and make loud noises forcing you to wake up and get your ass out of bed. Unfortunately even when you’re up and walking around you aren’t forced to deal with anything leaving these problems to fester and burn a hole. Which leads us to our last diagnosis:
Feeling unwanted related to Everything listed above and more
-the girl with the green glasses
