And just like that I lost another friend. This never used to happen to me. But over the past two years some of my best friends have turned their backs to me leaving me looking around wondering where I went wrong. The reality is (as a member of my group therapy said) I’m the common denominator and as I look back on the situations I try to recognize where they overlap, how they are similar. I try my hardest to not judge myself but that’s my signature move and as I tear myself apart I’m just left with open wounds again and again because my OCD will never let them fully heal. “It’s ok” I say to myself “everything will be alright” as I look in to the mirror knowing fully that it won’t be and it never will be until I figure out what it is about me that makes it so easy for people to leave. What makes me a punching bag or what makes me so easy to walk all over. I’m hurt and my emotional immune system is done but maybe it needs to be for me to figure out what needs to change. Maybe the fire that this time of mourning gives me is just what I need to find my weakness. Or maybe I’m just tearing myself to shreds. I hate myself. I try to be forgiving and understanding and caring and all it does is leave me alone. It seems what’s wrong with me is the thing I take pride in the most. I care. Is this a risk I have to take? If I want to care do I also have to be walked all over? My coworker once told me that I was gonna get walked all over if I kept being the way I am. She’s right. But is it disgusting that if walking all over me is what someone needs to do I’m okay with it? I can’t narrow it down to one thing. What’s wrong with me? It’s not me it’s them worked the first time and the second it helped me through but third times a charm and I’m just waiting for the next person to be done and leave me to. Who next? The real question is should I even give them a chance to or just isolate. Put myself in a box. Turn feelings off and avoid. What kind of life is that? No risk no reward? There’s no right answer as I keep spinning around this idea. I don’t know much about myself anymore, the only thing I know is that I’m the common denominator.
-the girl with the green glasses
