Not a lot of people can say their first comedy open mic was at their friends cabin more than slightly inebriated...or maybe this is where all the greats start. Either way I need to work on it because let’s just say I bombed. I felt this overwhelming wave of shame come over me. I became so insecure I wanted to drop dead right there. But, maybe that’s the point.
For so long I have constantly tried to be a people pleaser. Always trying to tailor my comedy (and my personality) to my audience which often left me unfulfilled but, somewhat comfortable. At least I didn’t say anything stupid. Tonight I made several of my worst jokes but the jokes that I like. The ones that make me laugh. I was very drunk but, I know when I’m losing a crowd and I honestly had no way of bringing them back in. And these were my friends. Granted two of them were my one friend Amelia’s pals from college and study abroad but, I had developed a bond with them over the hours of heavy drinking, pong playing, and interpretive dancing. Friends or no, I really wanted to impress them (they were so cool). But, I failed. And normally this would be catastrophic and I’m still feeling that a bit but, I’m feeling okay. My brain has developed an acceptance for the embarrassment quicker than ever before. Yes I still get that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about it but, it doesn’t feel like a fresh wound, it’s like I’ve recovered quicker this time. I don’t know whether it’s the alcohol minimizing the anxiety or the depression causing me to be numb. Either way, I’m okay. I’m okay to sleep not freaking out whether they loved me or not. It is what it is.
An update on the depression though. My mood is still well below baseline. I feel on the verge of tears constantly (but I have no tears left) whenever I’m alone or am left to my own thoughts. My OCD is thriving off it also. It’s begun writing it’s own stories in my mind, making it so I have trouble trusting reality. It’s exhausting and it’s hard and I didn’t sign up for this but, I can handle it. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Many doctors appointments in my future but in the mean time I’m keeping busy. Surrounding myself with people I like. I did that tonight even though I also embarrassed myself. Can’t wait for my SECOND open mic.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
