Hi, I’m stressed and can’t sleep. Tomorrow’s my big appointment with my psychiatrist where I’m gonna bring up ketamine. You may ask “Isn’t that a party drug?” And yes, yes it can be.
i’M tRyNa Be LiT aLl ThE tImE cAn’T yOu SeE¿
No, but in all seriousness there’s new studies in which ketamine is administered intravenously and it’s shown to be a great anti-depressant. And if you’ve been reading my previous posts you know that I’ve been fucking depressed. I want to be clear I’m not jumping straight to ketamine. It’s not like the first thing I’m trying. Quite the opposite actually, I’m low key feeling like it’s my last hope. I’ve been on at least 10 different psychiatric medications since age 12 and have been in talk therapy throughout that time and group therapy for the past 2 years. I’ve put in my work and am still utterly miserable so, I’m trying to do something different.
There’s not much more to say about that tonight because there’s nothing I can do about it tonight but, my brain can’t stop stressing. And seeming as there’s only so much you can think about in regards to an appointment that’s 7 hours away, I’m noticing all the things I’ve been ignoring during my depression dip.
My clothes are scattered all over my apartment, there are pieces of trash lying around, there’s no garbage bag in the bathroom trash can so all the trash is accumulating on the sink which is gross, there are unopened boxes taking up space, and I swear there’s a dirty dish on every surface that can hold one. It’s a literal mess.
It definitely mirrors how my brain has been though and maybe that’s the point. It’s some sort of symbol of my mental state. Or, it’s just a fucking mess and I need to clean it up before shit gets worse. Either way I’m quite disappointed in myself because I am not respecting my space as much as I should. I am so lucky to be here and I let it get this bad I guess I would ask “what’s wrong with me?” But, we all know the answer to that.
I’m going to try to go to bed now. I’m at least going to put a garbage bag in the bathroom trash can tonight (we love little wins) and then tomorrow hopefully I’ll gain some motivation after my appointment with my psychiatrist and maybe I’ll put half the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. (But, I’m making no promises). Either way ya gotta kinda embrace the mess a bit. Embracing it may help get you through the night and that’s sometimes all it takes.
I’m sure I’ll update you tomorrow about this meeting of the minds. But, in the meantime do me a favor and be kind to yourself.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
