It’s been just four days since I upped the dose of my anti depressant and I was hoping to ride the high of “having a plan” for a bit longer but I crashed...hard.
I told some of my coworkers about me upping my meds because I was feeling really sick from what I’m assuming was serotonin overload and telling people lessened the burden. They cared it seemed which was a nice feeling but one of them, who is looking to become a clinical psychologist, said “I would have never guessed! You’re so upbeat and happy all the time but, I guess those are usually the people you have to worry about!” One of my Group therapy members said that sounds like a segment from a late night talk show regarding the worst thing you could say to someone with depression and it’s definitely up there with the time the pharmacy tech mentioned the two recent celebrity suicides while checking out my prescription of antidepressants...people just don’t think.
I survived the weekend but, here we are Monday night (Tuesday morning) sitting in my car feeling miserable. I hung out with Captain and Doug today and I did everything I could to make the moment of being with my people last. I begged Captain to stay but, it kinda looked ridiculous when I think about it now. I’m quite embarrassed but, he’s my friend and sometimes you just gotta remind them they are important to you and if that’s annoyingly begging to spend more time with them and touching to make sure they are real so be it. Yeah I keep having this feeling my friends aren’t real so like I just touch them to make sure.
I’m crazy don’t you forget.
And then when Doug kicked me out (nicely of course he was exhausted) I put up a fight knowing what awaited me on the other side of his company. The loneliness kicked in immediately and the knot returned to my stomach and here we are.
As Olive reminded me when I texted her Friday night, it doesn’t happen immediately and consciously I know that. But, when you feel this awful for what’s supposed to be your summer break, logic tends to go out the window. So, right now nothing is quick enough and I want to be better now. What’s important is that I want the pain to end but, not my life and that’s a good sign. I think I can make it through the night without any crying. Crying can be cathartic but for me sometimes it just causes me to dwell on the sad and it often leads me to a dark place.
The moral of this story is that in some circumstances misery does not love company. In fact company can keep misery at bay as long as it’s around if it’s the right company. The shitty part is that once the company goes away, so does the protection and we are right back where we started...miserable.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
