Today I got an email from my psychiatrist. It was a response to a previous email I had sent her about a week ago before I went back to work. It was regarding whether to go on a medical leave. Before receiving the email I had picked up some hours at work. What I mean by that is I was scheduled to work four hour shifts this weekend but instead worked a twelve on Saturday and an eight on Sunday and then I picked up 2 other four hour shifts Tuesday and Thursday on top of the 2 four hour shifts I was scheduled for today and Monday. I also agreed to work a twelve hour shift this coming Sunday. Why you may ask? I’m not really sure. See the reality is with my therapist out of town I was exceptionally vulnerable so picking up hours at work had been a great distraction but, it also is a very emotional taxing job. I work in an inpatient psychiatric facility and its an intense gig to say the least. On Monday, when I was leaving work, a patient was barricading himself in his room. These events along with violence against staff and the verbal abuse we receive on a daily basis from patients and their families make the job hard enough but, add the layer of me also having a diagnosis and being so conscious of what these patients are going through it becomes exhausting. I say all the time that I often relate more to my patients than the staff and some times my coworkers lose their patience, never to the patients face but in the nurses station, and I take it personally. Not to mention that the mental health care system is broken and we sometimes release people that still need help because their insurance won’t cover it and continuity of care is not very reliable simply because there’s just not enough funding. My coworkers tend to be good at “closing the chart” which means when that patient is discharged it’s over, their job is done (until the patient comes back of course because they do very often). For me, I find it difficult to just let go. I spend a lot of time wondering about my patients and worrying about them. And when we do things like release a patient to police custody, it is particularly hard on me.
So, when my psychiatrist emailed me back expressing she agrees that whilst going through this med change I should take a medical leave from work, I was relieved.
This med change isn’t going to be easy the withdrawals that will occur when switching from the antidepressant that I’ve been on for at least 4 years to a brand new drug that just hit the market will be physically sickening and just getting off one of my antidepressants already has caused me extreme shakes and sweats. But, also when going through this emotionally trying time, I can’t be focusing on my patients or the system I need to be focusing on me.
I emailed my nursing manager and explained what was going on and she sent her best. I explained that taking a medical leave instead of just calling in if I get sick felt like the more responsible move and I think she appreciated it. But, at the end of the day it really doesn’t matter what she or anyone else thinks. I need to put me and my health first for once and nows the time.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
