Dakota and Daisy took me out to a bar in the city last night. But, to be honest, it was not the city I was familiar with. This was the East end where gentrification had taken hold and the realities of what was happening just three blocks over were ignored. I’m not going to lie, after what had happened earlier in the day, I felt guilty to be enjoying an overpriced sangria slushee on a random Thursday night in a place 75% of the population of the city could not enjoy.
Yesterday at work a patient pushed his way into the nurses station and assaulted at least seven members of our team. It happened in under 20 seconds but it felt like a lifetime from watching the initial intimidating jump to pressing my panic alarm to fumbling with my keys trying to get to my coworkers to help. It turned into a crowd of people at the door and he just was wailing on them from above. It was terrifying and I felt helpless but eventually, because of the shear amount of people pushing from one side, he ended up back in the patient area and security was on their way. I realized hours later that from the window cutout in the hallway I was rounding on I witnessed the most intense act of violence I had ever seen. And as I have thought back on what happened, I also realized that I’ve lived a pretty charmed life when it comes to witnessing events such as this. In other parts of the city (the non east end parts) seeing violent acts is not uncommon. As a kid that went to a primarily white middle class suburban school district, I was privileged in so many ways to have not even seen a food fight in all my years of schooling. I guess that after witnessing that yesterday and feeling how it affected me mentally and physically (there was some vomiting that occurred in the staff bathroom), I worry about the kids that experience that kind of violence on a regular basis. I’m not trying to make generalizations, but after seeing the news headlines about what’s really going on between the nice parts of town, I’ve just been thinking. It’s just wild to me that we build things in this city for less than 25% if it’s applicants. It makes so much sense why our homeless population is so high, we are literally pushing them out of their homes (even if that home is tent city) just so our downtown can be cosmetically attractive. It’s terrifying.
With that said, I am also trying not to judge the feelings I’m having about yesterdays incident. No I was not injured, no this is not a common occurrence for me to witness something like this and for both those things I am lucky but, I still did witness something extremely horrific yesterday and I do need to take time to digest that before I start to resent/become afraid of my job or the people I serve.
Mental Illness is very powerful and can cause people to become violent. However, it is important to note that, people living with mental illness are more likely to be a victim of violence then to be the perpetrators of such acts. It’s a terrible reality that people don’t know that and our patients run from that stigma of the “violent mentally ill” everyday, and it’s important to remind you and myself that I do too.
When a patient is released into police custody or sent directly to prison I feel this knot in my stomach. They are sick, that’s why they are admitted to a hospital, how could you possibly hold them responsible for whatever act they performed while sick? Would you blame someone for sneezing if they had a cold? I’m not sure and I understand something like assault on staff members is unacceptable and disgusting but, with him being sick can we really hold them accountable legally? I’m not saying they need to be released back into the community by any means but, there must be another option other than adding to the already overpopulated prisons that have also been called the largest mental health care facilities.
I don’t know the answer but, I do know I’m scared for the future. It makes me very uncomfortable to know I’m a part of a system that sends men and women having psychotic episodes to prison. It’s just all hard to swallow these days.
So, as I looked around last night at this part of a city I’ve lived in all my life, I didn’t recognize it. It was too clean and organized, there was no room for improvising or street art which is one of my favorite parts about this place. It was upper class bar after upper class bar with overpriced apartment complexes in between that housed your everyday young professional looking to live close to the night life action. I thought about my patients and the future of this city. For so long, I have wanted to leave this place. I felt I knew too much about it to live my life in bliss. But, maybe that’s why I shouldn’t leave. When talking to Daisy and Dakota I asked them where they think they will end up they both said here, in this city we grew up in (well in a suburb near here). I was shocked. For as long as I have known how bad it really is for others in our community and how people were suffering, I have wanted to leave. I didn’t think it would be better in a different city but, at least I wouldn’t know about it and would know how to avoid finding out. Ignorance is bliss and doesn’t keep you up at night. However, what I’m realizing is that I shouldn’t give up on this place. No matter where I am I will find a broken piece because the healthcare system is broken in general. But, with my knowledge of this city and my chronic empathy, I might be able to help people here or at-least make one persons life a little easier.
I don’t think I’m special or that I’m the first person that’s ever wanted to help their city. I’m by no means extraordinary but, I don’t think I’m ready to give up on this place yet and even small gains are worth it.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
