I feel like I want to die. I just want to disintegrate and bury myself in a hole and I’m not sure why. I’m pushing my mom away, spending money I shouldn’t almost like I want her to be mad at me. Like I want to give her a reason to see me how I truly am. A piece of shit. I’m selfish.
Yesterday, I went to my doctor and she’s gotten pretty spiritual over the years I’ve known her. This is fine, it hasn’t effected my medical care so whatever but, yesterday she sat me down and heard my concerns over my job and how I hated the system but, was never going to leave that job and how my ideation will never be acted out simply because I don’t want to traumatize the person who finds me blah blah blah. And although I went in to get a referral to an endocrinologist and a sleep study, I left with the number of a hippy dippy lady named Janice and thoughts that I might be psychic?
Okay, I’m definitely exaggerating but if your surprised by this still then you need to work on your reading retention. The reality is my doctor told me I had a gift that could feel like a burden and it was an intuition and I take on others emotions and wear them and that I need to learn how to control and handle my gift also, I needed to be in that room with her at that time to hear what she had to say and everything happens for a reason and I need to call Janice. Now this doctor has seen me for years and knows me very well, she had me crying not necessarily because she was hitting a nerve but, because for one I had just left work where a patient was barricading himself in a room and two I was tapering off one of my antidepressants OH and I’m getting my period too. Anyway, I called this lady Janice who I’ve been to once before years ago and made an appointment not just to appease my doctor but, also because I’m miserable and I’m willing to try anything (plus I’m gifted so that might mean I’m psychic and that could be cool and if not then great content for my tv show). I went to group after this appointment and cracked many a jokes about the situation (knowing they would laugh because I’m fucking psychic) and I could sense that my group leader was a little concerned so I called her out on it. She expressed that she’s concerned because as someone who has OCD and has in the past believed I could cause people cancer, this thought of having a “gift” could reinforce that belief and end up hurting more than helping.
She was more than right.
If I hadn’t heard that yesterday and had it on the forefront of my mind going into my “session” with Janice then I think I could have been in a deeper place of depression than I am now if possible.
Janice does Reiki and guided imagery and I can break it down for you really easy and quick. She has you lay down on this soft as bed, puts her hands on your shoulders or head, takes weird deep breathes, and then makes shit up. I don’t know if she knows she’s making shit up but, I like that better than thinking she actually is conceited enough to believe she is this all knowing being. I’m sure that stuff helps people though I just know it wasn’t for me.
The potentially damaging statement she made was as follows:
She said in regards to my patients, they are the ultimate illusion and actually depict how I’m feeling inside. If I’m feeling shitty and awful then they are going to do poorly.
Playing right into my OCD’s hands but thankfully I had a barrier of what I talked to my group leader about the night before. She also said that I can’t help them basically and that they have to help themselves and that I’m not powerful enough to have control over their lives. This is somewhat true but also, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try in little ways to make life better.
As soon as she started talking about these curtains around my heart blocking out the light and my spirit guides being around me I basically checked out and I’m almost positive I feel asleep for 30 minutes of our 45 minute session. But, when I woke up she told me I had done a great job...at what I’m not sure but, I guess my spirit guides did some dope shit. Either way, I think I’m good for now with all of that. I know I’m special I went to a middle class suburban high school where everyone’s told how special they are all the time, I don’t need this woman to tell me while she “moves my energy” all around my body and “summons my spirit guides.”
All jokes aside though I don’t know why I feel this shitty now. I finally have an appointment with Jazz tomorrow, I should be stoked but I’m not. I’m being kept awake by endless worrying about my friends, my family, my patients, and myself. I am worried about me and what this future does hold for me and I feel like this is a new development. Kinda in limbo and honestly wish I was psychic so I could figure out what’s going to happen next. No real resolution to this episode except that I’m still miserable and I’m not Raven Baxter or Theresa Caputo, I currently can’t tell which one is more disappointing.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
