What happened in the past week is really hard to explain. I feel slightly obligated to post a description of the events that ensued before moving on with newer posts. So I will proceed to do so in a bulleted fashion to save time and energy. Just a warning this is not a happy episode.
- I went to a National convention related to mental illness advocacy felt slightly stigmatized there and slightly alone (I went alone so shocker)
- Met these two guys who were promoting a project they were working on, somehow convinced them I was of sane mind whilst introducing myself, became extremely insecure they didn’t like me with no evidence of this and honestly probably appeared like a weird, clingy, bag of emotions.
- Developed a crush for one of these boys and interpreted some of his communications as flirting (still undetermined whether I misinterpreted or not)
- Helped this other incredible girl I had met before but, had gotten to know more at this convention deal with a sticky friend situation and handle a stalker situation (wild I know)
- Turned 21 whilst at this convention
- Felt incredibly insecure a second time due to failed communications with the guys and with my new friend
- Received a call from my friend (Dustin) from home but was at the banquet
- Decided to call him back and reach out for support by telling him how bad my birthday had really been. Then realized once on the phone with him he was with all my other friends and didn’t want to ruin their night. Told him it was great.
- Went out for drinks on my birthday with the guys and my friend from earlier
- Barely walked down one of the most prominent (and smelly) streets in the city we were in before it started to rain
- Found a dive bar on another less smelly street, in which we took cover from what turned in to a torrential downpour.
- Had two drinks (one of which the guy I was interested in bought for me) before the guys expressed they were exhausted and wanted to go back
- Called an Uber back before the drinks had even hit me only to arrive at the hotel and realize the bar was closed
- Said goodbye to everyone
- Went back up to my hotel room alone where the drinks finally took effect
- Stupidly and Drunkenly cried over people not posting on Instagram about my birthday (how fucking adult of me)
- Felt the lowest I’ve felt in a longtime
- Realized my med changes were not helping and that I was NOT ok
- Texted my group chat of high school friends “Is anyone awake?” at 1:41am hoping for anyone to answer (keep in mind I was very drunk)
- Got a response from Olive and I BLEW UP her phone with some seriously depressing shit that I would not do sober.
- Felt extremely EXTREMELY guilty
- Cried until there was gross amounts of snot running down my face
- Olive finally convinced me to call her
- Stayed on the phone with her for an hour or so (do not remember) expressed several times that I wanted a do-over for my birthday
- She finally talked me down to go to sleep but not until after I texted Dustin apologizing for lying to him about my birthday being great lol because it was trash and also texted an essay to Captain about how much I appreciate him because that’s normal
- Woke up the next morning and texted all of those people apologizing and expressing how embarrassed I am (got two “it’s all good fam” type responses with a little added emotion from Dustin)
- Olive also responded by telling me there’s no reason to apologize (my OCD was like she lying! Say you’re sorry)
- Quickly packed and got to the airport way early (to avoid anymore human contact)
- Texted my mom a message about my meds and that I needed help and I’m not going to hide it anymore
- She called and I explained what happened and cried again
- Received a text from my friend from high school, Dakota, that she wants to throw me a new birthday when I get home (this is when I realized when I texted Olive last night most of my friends were still together)
- I agreed happily
- Got to the airport at home (they lost my bag for 35 minutes)
- Mom picked me up had an emotional greeting
- Went home then to party that we named June 31st because my birthday is June 30th and we are ignoring what happened
- I Walked into the house where my second party was being held and immediately ran into the arms of, long time friend and was also there last night whilst I was texting Olive, Daisy
Have to make a caviat here I was pretty sure I was seeing/hearing things that weren’t there due to my meds so it was a super scary time
- Walked in and hugged Doug and Captain
- Captain proceeded to say “quite the entrance ‘my name here’ referring to my dramatic crying entrance...I laughed it off but c’mon man.
- Realized he will never handle my emotions like he handled Annie’s or support me the way he did her, which is really hard but something I needed to understand
- Had a great night full of laughs and a tie dye cake and presents
- Shot my shot with one of the guys from earlier via text and it went decent (Depression makes you care less about rejection at time because you’re already rejecting yourself)
This was a big one:
- Looked around and realized that tonight would be an okay last night of life...something to leave them with, happy thoughts of me
I’m going to stop the bullet points here because this was really what I’m leading up to and if you have trouble with content about suicidality you should probably stop here. Come 11pm the party was winding down and it’s almost like I was becoming content with the end. I walked outside with Daisy and we chatted for a bit about what was going on. She was getting emotional telling me she never wants me to feel guilty for asking for help. Also Cap almost hit us with his car that shits crazy he just backed up and didn’t look. I should have been super inspired by Daisy’s comfort but, instead I just put in a reminder in my brain to add a thank you to her for it in my note to her...you know what kind of note I’m talking about.
But, I guess it did have an effect on me because I did ask for help. I called my mom and asked her to stay over because I was starting to be ambivalent about life and that’s what’s dangerous. I was just ready.
My mom came to my apartment and I survived the night. Went to group the next day. Called my psychiatrist and got a huge med change due to the potential hallucinations. My therapist was out of town for the week but, I did get to meet with my group leader one on one which kept me stable. I then went to my families cabin for the fourth with friends and honestly it was the most fun I’ve had in such a long time. I wish I could bottle that day up and just live it over and over again. It reminded me that things can get better.
I also realized that no matter how I did it (end my life) I would be found by someone. I would traumatize them and I cannot do that. I don’t want that to be my legacy.
So, I’m getting help. Threw myself into work this weekend to keep busy but, as soon as Jazz comes back into town I gotta get to work and figure out what this is depression is all about.
If you made it this far I salute you. This mess of a week has put me through hell and back but, I am back and that’s what’s important. It will get better, it will be okay, stay strong through whatever you are going through. Sending love because that’s all I can do.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
PS
You are never alone don’t forget that. There are resources:
The NAMI HelpLine: 800-950-6264
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741
