Alright we’re gonna get a little interactive here. I want you to think in your head right now what your “type” is. You can lie and say you don’t have one but everyone has preferences in looking for a partner even if you can’t verbalize it. With that being said!!! NEVER assume someone else’s type or write yourself off because you don’t think you would fit into their preferences...I say that because my type has recently been deconstructed after meeting someone new.
DISCLAIMER: this is unfortunately not the introduction of a romantic plot line for your Strong Female Lead but, it is however a plot line of self-reflection that may someday lead to that. Just needed to put that out there, I did not meet the love of my life nor is there a chance for it to work out but stick around to see what the point of all this is...
For as long as I can remember I have had only two parameters for a potential partner: tall and liberal. I guess it’s three if you count them being a dude and four if you count them being interested in women but, I guess what I’m saying is my standards are pretty low. The theory in having few boxes to check is that by having low standards you have more options and are more likely to find someone. This is necessary because I’m not the most attractive or desirable bachelorette. But this has not worked for me in my twenty-one years of life and I think that’s because those are not actually my only standards, just the ones that are conscious.
After thinking about it for a long time I have developed a different list of things I tend to like based on my past crushes: (not in any order)
- Tall
- Short brown hair
- Usually brown eyes
- Intelligent
- Tends to be the “safe” choice
- Musically inclined
- Doesn’t like country music or if he does isn’t annoying about it
- Athletic/Interested in sports
- Usually has glasses
- Has democratic views
- Is employed
- Has college education or is attending college
- Doesn’t smell
- Is interested in rap music (a weird one but true across the board)
- Is a perfectionist
- Usually somewhat damaged tbh
- Is not particularly religious
When I look at this list I can name you seven guys of the top of my head that I have either had feelings for or crushed on that check at least 13 of these boxes. So, to be honest I’m pickier than I thought and very rigid in my ways.
Another box that I saw as an obvious check for a long time was male. I’m straight and have thought a lot about it. Mostly because I realized if I was bisexual it would double the field of applicants and up the chances of finding someone that could tolerate me but, also because I had a gay dream once.
I’ve talked about this with my therapist and looked it up online (not because I was concerned but, because I was curious) but, gay dreams do not mean you are gay. People assume I’m gay all the time (my coworker literally asked me the other day if the person I posted a picture with on Facebook was my partner) and I’m not offended by it, I’m just not and I wonder what it is about me that would make anyone assume that? I just don’t think I understand why in 2018 people are still assuming someone’s sexuality. We are all on a spectrum anyway so fuck the labels but I just wonder sometimes is it because I don’t often where makeup or am not extremely feminine? Is it my low raspy voice? (sounds like a sexy characteristic but it’s not) My ability to get a long with guys? I don’t know but, I realized it really doesn’t matter at all. I’m not attracted to women and I kinda wish I was because girls are cool af and boys can be mad confusing. But guys say that about girls too so what can you do.
Anyway, now that we have that figured out, as I mentioned previously this “tall, dark, and liberal” type I had has recently been shattered. I’ve heard it said that we all have a type until we find the right person and I don’t think this guy I met is “the one” for me by any means (nor do I think that exists) but I think he opened my mind and helped me realize what I really do want in a partner.
What I really want is someone who is kindhearted and caring, someone who understands mental illness, someone who is not afraid to look like an idiot or make mistakes. Someone that is passionate about whatever it is they are interested in (doesn’t have to be anything specific but, definitely not taxidermy or Donald Trump please). This guy also does not have to fit any physical standards. I think the reason why I had them before was just to weed out a huge group of people because in reality I’m scared to meet someone and catch feelings that shit never works out for me usually. I need to get over this fear of the unknown and stop hiding behind this concept of a “type” because it is true that the person that could make you the happiest doesn’t look like what you picture in your head. It’s like when you read a book then go see a movie. The main character could not match how you read it or could be depicted even better than you did in your mind from reading the book.
I think it’s human nature to want to be decisive and put labels on things. It’s easy to say “this is what I want” because in reality straying away from that can be scary and confusing and requires a lot of extra thought. But, I’ve seen very few circumstances where sticking exactly to the plan and staying on track no matter what happens works out for anyone. Sometimes you need to change course and open your mind to new ideas and opportunities.
When I was in the mental health partial program at the hospital five years ago I remember bringing up the issue of boys during a group session. I will never forget what the group therapist told me that day. After expressing that no boys liked me, she simply said that maybe “I just wasn’t looking at the right boys.” For years I remember thinking this was a dig at me. That this group therapist was trying to tell me that I was shooting out of my league and that I need to aim lower. However now, so long after, I’m realizing she was trying to convey to me what I am trying to convey to you, that the minute you become rigid in your ways and close your mind to others is the minute you risk finding that person that can make you happy above all else.
So, to the man that broke the mold of “my type” and honestly stole my heart, thank you. It’ll never work out between us and that’s ok because you’re an awesome dude and still are fun to chill with but, thank you for opening up my mind because it will lead to future happiness. This I truly believe.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
