WARNING: the following post contains content about suicide. It may not be suitable for someone struggling with this topic. Reader discretion is advised.
You are never alone don’t forget that. There are resources:
The NAMI HelpLine: 800-950-6264
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741
I had a different introduction to this post. It was a long winded essay about suicide prevention and the awkward things people say to depressed people. It was unnecessary and angry so, I decided not to post it. Instead I have this poem that captures the same concept but, better. There’s something about me putting my words into rhythm that slows my mind down enough to digest them and the emotions they convey. This poem is dark and angry but, it’s how I feel sometimes. It is titled “Self-Care” because when you say you are depressed or anxious others will say you need to take care of yourself and not worry about others. Practice Self-Care. I will let the poem say the rest.
Self-Care
I keep hearing I need to put myself first
But, what you don’t get is that would be worse
If I finally let that happen I’d no longer be here
I’d be free from this hell, I’d be free from this fear
What’s so misunderstood is this privilege to be alive
But what the fuck happened to my right to die
We can alter my brain chemicals as much as we want
But, it doesn’t work and it all ends as a taunt
Of a better life that could’ve been, to be normal like you
We are not the same, just because you are sad too
What freedom it would be if I didn’t have to stress
If I didn’t care for the aftermath or any of the rest
If I didn’t want to haunt the person that would find me
If I didn’t care about how they would have to tell my family
The trauma it would cause is horrible that’s true
What I’m trying to say is I’m not alive for me but, for you
I put others first because if I did something for me
It would simply to put myself out of my misery
I read this back, even though tonight I’m in a better place, and I still believe it. I feel this is unfortunately my reality 50% of the time. This is not how everyone sees suicide or self-harm by any means. No two situations are the same. This is just my experience. I’ve had to frame suicide as this selfish act because it eliminates it as an option. Even when I’m not getting along with my friends and think they would be better without me or see how much I truly can burden my family, there’s always the first responder that could find me and be traumatized for the rest of their life. It is not a burden-less task. And that’s why I’m still here. I’m truly in the fight for my life right now. I know this seems dramatic but, the demons in my head get louder each day and this weight on my chest heavier. And now I’m waiting for relief in the form of a teardrop shaped antidepressant (how fitting). I refuse to surrender. No one should but, some must. I don’t envy the dead but, I do the living. Because, I might be breathing but, I certainly don’t feel alive.
Fight for your life, I sure am.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
